utah fall take two, and some random ramblings.

despite our brittle bones around here, this summer was one of my busiest yet! it was so great to spend almost every single day out and about (i can count on one hand the number of days we stayed home), bending to all of our whims, bringing picnic lunches everywhere we went, spending at least 2 days by the pool every week, living life completely on our own schedule and on our own terms. so great.
if you know me though, you know fall is my favorite. this second fall in utah, while less painful than last, makes me ache for new england and the city. i miss driving down the meritt parkway and being covered in a canopy of red, orange, and gold. i miss being surrounded by masses of leaves and the smell of leaf piles mixed with that cool weather smell of burning furnaces in the air. i miss hidden apple orchards in the country complete with a perfect, free-growing pumpkin patch.
there is a field of short apple trees on a huge busy street near my house here, i saw some people there picking apples next to a busy street and about cried. that's not how fall is supposed to be! it was so wrong! everyone tells me i'll find fall up in the mountains, but i drove through big cottonwood canyon the other day all the way up to snowbird and all i saw was masses of dry, brown scrub oak. i can't stand it. i'm giving the mountains one more chance today and heading up to my mom's through guardsman pass, but if it disappoints i'm going to be so sad.
on a more positive note, though; some great things about fall starting, besides my consistent lighting of my favorite fall yankee candle, are some changes in bea's schedule. she's finally started preschool and LOVES it! she already has a best friend and looks forward to going every tuesday and thursday. she goes to dance class on monday and seems to like it very much. it's been a little clunky being on a schedule instead of just packing up and going somewhere any time we want but i think it's been good for us. schedules are getting easier. i've finally gotten in gear and have gotten on top of house work. i used to be so scared of house work because i would try and knock it all out on saturday and i became very weary and overwhelmed, but i found a great schedule for cleaning through the week on pinterest, and it's really improved the atmosphere of our home. we start each day with our cleaning chores after breakfast and it really sets the tone for our day. we throw on some happy music and dance through our chores. it's fun. and it's teaching bea how to do housework (she loves to help dust and mop). i've even managed to stay on top of dishes, which if you know me, you know that that is completely insane. there's almost no dishes for bradley to help with when he gets home because everything is already in the dishwasher! (he used to be our resident dish-doer when i was pregnant/dealing with new baby stuff).
and, while our house is still a glaring yellow, we are almost ready to get it painted which will also GREATLY improve our time at home. sometimes that yellow stares me down so hard i feel like i'm going to break. after we paint i'm not sure what we'll do next, either the floors or get to work putting drywall up in the basement. sky's the limit.
bradley gets his brace off in just a couple weeks and has been doing physical therapy for a few weeks. we were even able to hang our curtains, change some light bulbs together on our high ceilings and program our garage door opener with my car! i can't believe we are finally knocking out some of our honey-dos that have been sitting on the back burner since may!
also, since we're in this house for the long haul, i finally feel like actually decorating! i haven't put anything on the walls yet since we are just going to paint soon anyway, but i've been putting up some halloween decorations and it makes everything feel so much more homey and festive. desert climate be damned, i am going to fake it til i make it!
OH and another great thing about fall! CONFERENCE! one of my besties got me SWEET tickets to the women's meeting and we went with her sister, another friend, and my mom and sister and it was just spectacular. it was the best women's meeting since we started combining with the senior primary and YW girls. every single talk was riveting and when it ended i was like "wait! it's over? we haven't heard the boring one yet! that went by so quickly!" Sister Stephens's talk about the atonement brought such peace to my soul that i cried like a baby. it was magnificent. after the meeting we went out for dinner at a little french restaurant and just had the best time swapping stories (and desserts!) and sharing memories we had from growing up together in texas. i am so glad i'm able to live close to some childhood friends (really, like family) and to live in utah where i can attend conference in person. the spirit there was so amazing.
and another thing: this is related, i promise, i read a book this month for one of my book clubs about a woman who escaped the Warren Jeffs FLDS polygamist community to live life as normal member of society with her 8 children. it was fascinating and it got me thinking. these people truly believed what they were preaching. they believed that the complete oppression of wives and children at the hands of their husbands was the noble will of god, and that their revelations of who should marry who came from god. i could go on and on about the brainwashing there but i wondered, how do we differentiate? how is our belief in god true, how can we stand by our convictions and know we are right, while these other people in this other community also believe everything they are being taught is right? they claim to have "revelations" all the time, how are those set apart from what we believe to be true? i was having this conversation with brad the other day and he said, very matter of factly, "well by their fruits right? what kind of god would teach oppression and abuse and oppose free thought?" and he was definitely right. i felt like a dummy for even wondering. the woman who wrote the book very frequently said, that she and many other women in the community, had so many gut feelings that told them "this is wrong" but they were so brainwashed they shoved those thoughts away to do instead what their leaders were forcing them to do. they got physically abused if they voiced those opinions. what those women were feeling was the spirit! the spirit was telling them "this is wrong. this is not the way things should be." the spirit was in direct conflict with what the evil men of the FLDS church were preaching. whenever we listen to the prophet speak, or read the scriptures, our gut tells us, i don't care who you are or what you believe, that it's right. that god is a loving being who would NEVER stand for what goes on in those communities. the teachings of our modern day prophets and the scriptures only testify of doing good, loving others, and the granting of personal agency from a loving father who would never force or oppress.
i felt the truth of the gospel so strongly at the meeting on saturday night. it's not because i'm brainwashed into believing the teachings of the church. believing blindly what someone says isn't the point of the gospel, it never has been. we listen to them, but more importantly we listen to the spirit. when they speak to us, our gut will never tell us "this is wrong. this isn't how it's supposed to be". i can't wait to see what the rest of conference this weekend has to bring! we'll be spending it in idaho with my brother and sister and parents and it will just be great, i know it! i'll do everything i can to spiritually prepare! our primary program was on sunday, and my class (the 5 year olds) did a great job. and it was everything i could do not the break down and cry listening to them sing the songs. my favorite one from this year was "gethsemane" here are the words:

Jesus climbed the hill
To the garden still
His steps were heavy and slow
Love and a prayer
Took Him there
To the place only He could go

Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So He went willingly
To Gethsemane

He felt all that was sad, wicked or bad
All the pain we would ever know
While His friends were asleep
He fought to keep
His promise made long ago

Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So He went willingly
To Gethsemane

The hardest thing That ever was done
The greatest pain that ever was known
The biggest battle that ever was won
This was done by Jesus.
The fight was won by Jesus.

Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So he gave His gift to me
In Gethsemane

Gethsemane
Jesus loves me
So he gives His gift to me
From Gethsemane


There's something about listening to children singing songs about christ that seriously makes it impossible for me not to weep like a baby. i had that song stuck in my head this morning and sang it with bea as i did the dishes and it set the tone for our home for the rest of the day! (even oliver joined in. the only song he knows is the "ahhhhh" part from ariel, but he sings it with us every time we sing a song. my love for that boy knows no bounds.) i love the gospel and all the joy it brings to my life!! i can't wait for conference!!!!!!!!!!

also if you made it this far, congratulations. leave your address and i will send you your medal

2 broken funny bones is not very funny.

you guys. i'd be lying if i told you my life was smooth sailing right now.

i'm trying really hard not to be a downer but life has been really tough this summer.

in the middle of spring we were blessed to buy a home that we really love, and love more each day (even though it realllllly needs to be painted), in a location that makes me say "I LOVE WHERE I LIVE!" at least once a day.

then, the day after we moved in, brad broke his arm. it was really tough for all of us. it threw the kids off, pained brad quite a bit, and heaped a ton more responsibility on me. it really stressed us all out. brad couldn't hold the baby for six weeks, he had trouble typing at work and was frustrated a lot from having to do things slowly and not being able to help much around the house. there was just this dark cloud hanging over us from all the looming stress. sometimes we were able to forget about it but we were just exhausted and spent. luckily the break was mild, and after six weeks he was back to normal, starting physical therapy, and finally able to help out around the house more. it was great. we were finally going to get our summer back!

enter break two. two weeks later he took a bad tumble down the stairs and shattered the same arm into 3 pieces. it was bad. really bad. for 2 weeks i felt like i was in a bad dream, just waiting to wake up. luckily the angles at which it broke were in a promising direction which avoided surgery, so they were able to set it and put it into a brace and sling. this time, his pain was immense, his arm and hand swelled up to twice their normal size, he was constantly on pain killers, could hardly type at all, can still hardly stay awake even after three weeks (like it's to a point where it's almost dangerous for him to drive, because he'll fall asleep), and needs some help getting dressed, tying shoes, carrying things, etc. for the first two weeks i had to completely dress and undress him and clean his brace, and dry it after he showered with a blowdryer. it is all of the complications of before, only amplified exponentially. oh, and i am constantly running after 2 very active children, who have become very needy and cranky from all of the shift in routine and normality this summer.

it's just a lot. he has to be in the sling for 6 weeks and be in the brace for 12 weeks. he'll be busted up until november. and then he'll have MAJOR physical therapy to do from having an immobilized arm for 20 weeks. we're not even sure he'll get full mobility back.
also looming is the possibility of a deeper issue with his bones. it is very unusual that a healthy 30 year old man would get a break this bad from a simply tumble down the stairs. normal for an elderly woman, but very strange for a guy like brad. he is getting a bone density scan in a couple weeks to try and find the root of the problem. 2 breaks in 8 weeks in an otherwise healthy person is very odd.

you guys, i am exhausted. everything is twice as hard and twice more work, and we're not even halfway done. brad can surprisingly help me out with unloading and loading the dishwasher one handed, for which i am eternally grateful, and he can keep an eye on bea if she is watching a movie or playing legos or something, but that is about where it stops. i didn't even realize all the chores he used to do for me until the garbage kept filling up ALL THE TIME (seriously we take it out like almost twice a day!) and all the clean laundry started piling up (he is the main clothes-folder at our house). i've had to take oliver's early morning feedings and changings since the first arm-break, which is tough since the PPD medicine i take at bedtime is very sedating and keeps me asleep for a long time in the morning. brad used to do the morning shift with the kids and now i need to do it. i can't leave him home alone with the kids because he can't lift oliver, so i have to take them everywhere i go. also, i do bedtime now with half the help. he can supervise bea, but only if she is cooperative. if she decides she doesn't want to get dressed herself and has a tantrum (and there are so. so. many of those), i have to step in and do it. oliver is out of the question for him since i need to change a diaper and put his jammies on.

we've had to put off home improvement and decorating projects we planned on doing once we moved in; we can't set up our new garage door openers because i can't reach the top of the opening mechanism. we had to call for help to change our smoke detectors because i can't reach them. we can't hang our art, because i can't do it by myself. we can't configure a lot of our media because i don't know how and he can't reach around to do it. there's so many little things that either have been put on the hold or just have become a huge production because neither of us can do them.

also, i just got called to teach the 5 year olds in church. brad can't take the baby so i have to take him while i teach. he is always either screaming in my arms to get down, or running out the classroom door, which i have to keep open because my partner NEVER COMES (even though she is at church). this is after i've already dealt with a sacrament meeting where my children are so unruly and misbehaved that i just want to cry, pack up, and leave, and then holding a tired, hungry,  fussy, wiggly oliver all through sharing time. the class-teaching is just the cherry on top. we still don't know many people in our ward so i don't know anyone i could ask to hold him for me during primary yet.

oh yeah and we had to cancel our disney trip that bea was looking forward to SO MUCH. we were supposed to be leaving tomorrow. she will ask every so often, "hey mom when are we going to disneyland?" and it makes me want to cry.

brad also had to sit out his company trip to seven peaks tonight (where they rent out the whole place for the night for just us).

bea also just got pink eye today. so there's that. just another cherry on top.

our summer is just slipping away from us. it's the summer of the broken arms.

i'm sure from the outside, it doesn't sound like that much, and i know single moms have it so much worse, and i shouldn't be negative about it, and i try so hard not to be. i know it could be worse. he could have broken his back or neck or legs, we could have had bad insurance that made us pay for all of it (we have paid nothing for any of this, nor the physical therapy), he could have broken his hand or wrist and not have been able to work at all, he could have died (...? from a fall down the stairs..? i dunno i guess stranger things have happened), i could live far from my family and not have their help (and holy cow they have helped); there are really a lot of ways this could be worse. but the situation is what it is, and it is really unpleasant. and at the end of the day when i am so exhausted and stressed from just our day to day life with all these trials, i am frankly too tired to count my blessings.

i've been wanting to write about this for a while but i'm not sure why. i don't feel like i really have anything positive to offer about it yet.

i'm still trying to work out what i'm supposed to learning from all of this. i'm not typically an "everything happens for a reason" person, but i do believe there is something important to be learned from every situation. i'm just not sure i'm finding it here yet. maybe it really is a situation for me to learn to be more positive. i'm so overwhelmed with everything right now i'm finding it so hard to stay positive. i have been breaking down into tears more often than i care to admit. some days i just want to pack everyone up and move to my mom's for the next 12 weeks. brad and i are both run ragged, and often cranky; our kids are at ages where bea is always pushing our limits (or pushing her brother) and oliver is so busy, and always on the brink of getting himself killed. staying positive requires energy that i'm just not sure i have. i am surviving on diet coke and prayers.

maybe i feel like sharing this because i really am open to suggestions. maybe this is supposed to teach me to humble myself and ask for help; something i am not very comfortable doing. so really, what would you do in this type of situation?? more often than not i just feel like shutting down, curling into fetal position, and just quitting. how would you try to stay more positive? how would you keep your head above water amidst all the chaos? how would you try to stay patient with your kids, yourself, and your husband? how would you keep from being angry? how would you keep from crying? how would you keep from feeling sorry for yourself? how would you stay sane?
i have all of these questions and more. i am ready for help. i am ready to start trying to gird up and look on the bright side. help a sister out.



PS! if you opened this to figure out how brad broke his arm both times, here ya go:

1. fell out of a dumpster while trying to push down packing paper with his feet. the dumpster had wheels, and he used a wheeled cooler as his stepping stool. not his brightest moment. the fracture was minor and we basically all laughed about it.
2. fell down the stairs. he was in so much pain he was in tears, and he does not cry. his humerus is in three pieces. i kept it together at the hospital, but that night in bed i cried myself to sleep. in the morning i woke up thinking i'd just had a bad dream.

planting roots, ya'll

i know this is crazy town, since in the last 3 years we have lived in 3 different places, but it's looking like we will be here for a while. which is great because we are very happy here. even though i still get a pit in my stomach every time my friends back east instagram NYC photos, or pictures in the woods, it's been surprisingly nice to live here. obviously the best thing is being close to our families, that is YUUUGGGEEEE (#dumptrump), and brad's amazing job is definitely another bonus.
sooo since we'll be here for a while, we've decided it's high time we buy a home.
which is cray cray. i can't even decide on a t shirt to buy, how does the universe expect me to be qualified to buy a house..?! but here we are.
we've spent the past while renting a single family home. it's a split level, which is pretty annoying, but it's got the right amount of space, even a little too much, given our history with small spaces, and it's in an amazing location. it also has a cute little backyard, but a huge front yard where the grass can never seem to stay alive.
if it's taught us anything, it's that we just aren't cut out for single family home living. we don't love it. i always used to say in our hip soNo apartment (south norwalk guys. google it, it's the perfect town), that i never wanted anything bigger than an 1150 sq foot 2 bedroom apartment, and that i could last in that apartment til my dying days. and everyone told me i was crazy, so i drank the koolaid and went for a real live 4 bedroom house once we got here. and guys, i'm just not about that life.
we're buying a townhome, which i feel like needs some explaining, because a lot of people are left super puzzled when they see we're making the switch from single family to townhome.
so here's the explanation. (with alliterated topics. you're welcome.)

style
most of the city of sandy (with the exception of more expensive custom homes) was built between the 60s and early 90s. with our budget there were a handful of styles available. the 60s homes sounded promising with the mystique of mid-mod style, but those are nowhere to be found. instead, all of the 60s homes around here are just little square rectangles with no intrigue. they are actually pretty ugly and most of them have *CARPORTS* #gasp. and most of them are in not so great neighborhoods, so no, those were out. and then the 70s homes are literally ALL bi-levels. all of them. split level after split level after split level. you can update those all you want but at the end of the day, they are still split levels. no thanks. and then in the 80s and 90s, they got a little more creative and brought in the tri-level (formal living room up front, kitchen behind, step down to a family room off the kitchen, 3 bedrooms upstairs, maybe another in the basement. they are literally all the same.) so we didn't like those either. after that, there were literally no other options. we didn't want a split/multi level. but that's literally all there is here. i know a townhome seems like it would be even more cookie cutter, but since they are newer (ours is from 2010), they have more open floor plans that are much more functional and organic than those other styles.

surroundings
in our old apartment, we had people living above us and on either side of our apartment. we never heard our neighbors to the left. our neighbors to the right, next to our bedroom, had a shouting match like once a week. above us, they had parties until 2 am and their guests all wore heels, and we heard the plumbing every time they flushed the toilet or used their washer and dryer. and you know what, yall? i loved it. i love being surrounded by people. i like to know that if i died, someone would smell it and call the cops. i love that if our power went out, we had neighbors a door away to commiserate with us. i loved seeing the same people in the hallways every day (or in our new case, on the sidewalk), having them smile at my kids, and not even know their names but know we had each other's backs. i love having the insulation of other people's lives around me, to help me feel less alone. i love hearing a bump in the night and just knowing it's the neighbors and not a murderer in my basement (because obviously that's always what it is when you live alone in a house). i know it's not for everyone, but i'm not everyone. i'm me. the first night i spent here in our stand-alone house, i cried. i hated the quiet and i felt so alone.

size
technically the new house is larger than our house now, but it feels a bit cozier. it has a smaller living room at the expense of bigger bedrooms and an unfinished basement (that we intend to personalize later), and currently only has one living area, since the basement isn't done. but i am looking forward to the change. in our old apartment, bea would never play with her toys unless they were in the same room as me. we loved playing with her toys in her bedroom,  and we had her play kitchen in the living area, and she loved to be by me while she played with it. we have a playroom here and we never use it because bea doesn't like to go down there alone. it doesn't even have that many toys in it either. i know that once we consolidate our space, the kids and i will have more time in the same place, which will make us all happier. and their toys will fit in their larger bedrooms, so if friends come over, they will still have a place to play. i don't like to accumulate stuff. i hate stuff. having a smaller living space, we won't be tempted to fill space with STUFF.
oh and we'll finally have a proper master bath suite with garden tub, glass shower, walk in closet and large vanity. so nice.
side note: we have a large yard here in our split level. the front yard is huge and the backyard is medium/smallish. it costs a fortune to water (read: $350 a month; yet still somehow always looks dead) and takes a lot of landscaping upkeep with weeding and stuff. that's just not our jam. i don't want to spend my money on sprinklers and my saturdays on yard work. the new house has a bit of a small backyard that's fenced off, with a fence that opens up to a large community green space and a playground which is close enough that we can walk to it in 30 seconds, but far enough away that we won't hear anyone on it from our house. it's really the best setup. we'll basically have an enormous backyard with our own playground and zero upkeep.

spot
the spot the new house we're in is REALLY close to where we are now. i call this area the "corridor of convenience". it is a quiet residential area nestled between the two main roads of the area with literally every single thing you could possibly need, all 5 minutes away. 3 grocery stores, costco, car washes, restaurants, dry cleaners, sporting goods store (with a ferris wheel inside!), the aquarium, craft stores, home depot, best buy, ikea, movie megaplex, clothes shopping (carters for the kids, nordstrom rack for mom), swig (my new addiction, dirty diet cokes and cookie drive through?! sign me up!) PLUS 9 min from brad's work, 9 min from target,  15 min from children's museum, 15 min from farm/nature center. it seriously does not get any better, not anywhere else in the country even. we have it so good.

savings
even though single family homes and townhomes in this location are roughly the same price, our utilities are about to go down, drastically. our HOA fee will cover half of the utilities we pay now, at a lower price, and our electric and gas bills will go down, since being insulated by other homes on either side of us will keep us warmer in winter, and cooler in summer.

so there's our reasoning. after spending more and more time in the house we're in, the more we realized that we just wanted a different lifestyle. i know it doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it makes sense for us and that's all that matters!! and now, after 5 reschedulings of our closing date (I AM SO OVER THE RESCHEDULING!!!!) i'm really excited to get into the new house!!! we just need to paint it and change the carpet. yellow paint plus chocolate carpet looks like you're living in a rotting banana. not cute. if you feel like helping a sister paint.....feel free to come over...! :D

also....keep an eye out for us on house hunters on HGTV!! we got accepted and are so excited!!!!

some spring thoughts

conference was this weekend, and my whole family got together to watch it at my parents' house for all 4 sessions; we had a great weekend full of hugs, laughs, good food, and good company. there was a lot of child-wrangling though, and i'm afraid i didn't get as much out of conference as i usually do. instead of ending the weekend spiritually energized, i actually felt pretty tired from trying to keep a 3 year old under control and a 9 month old happy for 8 almost consecutive hours. i had a great weekend for sure, but it took a lot out of me. seeing the spring blossoms in temple square made me really miss new england. i know i say that all the time and i'm like a really annoying broken record, but hear me out.

we drove home from midway through provo canyon with the sunroof down and my classical playlist on and the kids fell asleep, and bradley and i just had some time to ourselves; and watching the early evening sun shine through the hills of the canyon was pretty spectacular. i love driving, especially when it's quiet and i can enjoy my surroundings and truly appreciate what nature has to offer. when i got home, after we got the kids in bed, i felt like a long hot shower, to unwind, and when i got out, the light through my bathroom window was gorgeous. i'm a sucker for golden-hour light. huge sucker. i love how in the summer, it's still light for several hours after the kids go to bed. it's quiet and beautiful out and you can take it in without being pulled in a million different directions. the sun is hanging low over the mountains right now, my windows are open, the golden-hour light is streaming through the sheer of the drapes, birds are singing outside, punctuated only by the sound of the breeze and the occasional car, and there's even a blossoming tree or two out there. the beauty here is different but i'm finally appreciating it can be just as good. almost. ; )

where i'm at

i recently wrote a post for my other blog about blooming where you're planted, enjoying the now, not longing for the past, etc etc etc.

you guys. that is so much easier said than done.
we live in utah. and it's very real to me now. i'm nearly out of the woods and fog of my crippling PPD and i'm coming a little more alive, and aware of my surroundings. and i'm realizing this trip to utah isn't a trip. it's permanent. and i'm never going back to the thick forest or back to the beach or new york, or my hip apartment in my cute little nautical connecticut town; not for good anyway. i'm in utah now, there's no beach for hundreds of miles, and i'll likely not be surrounded by thick, moss covered forests for a very long time. i didn't realize "biome awareness" would be such a shock for me but it's hitting me hard.

don't get me wrong, i absolutely do not hate utah. it's great, and it has its charms. the sunsets are unreal. the moonrises over the mountains are breathtaking. the summer breezes of dry desert air give me all the feels. going to my mom's house and being tucked away in the mountains is such a luxury. plus! we have the greatest snow on earth here!
we are in a good place; brad's happier at work than he's ever been, i'm happier with our work/life balance than i've ever been. we have free healthcare. i'm very happy with the convenient lifestyle we enjoy here. i love being close to my family more than i can say. life really is so, so good to us. i shouldn't complain. but i was watching house hunters today during the kids' naps and seeing both the beach and homes in the deep, dark woods literally brought tears to my eyes. i miss it. and i miss my new york city security blanket. i ache for it whenever i'm away. the fact that that season of our lives is over sometimes gives me a knot in my stomach.

i'm such a hypocrite you guys. i promised myself i'd start acclimating sooner. i promised i would open myself to new experiences, dive in to social life, appreciate my surroundings sooner. i promised i wouldn't dwell on the past. but i'm not doing a great job. the ppd made me extremely antisocial, and i haven't been taking advantage of the mountains like i should. maybe winter is just getting to me. i always have a super shut-down during winter. but since i was so antisocial for so long, i'm enduring the winter mostly alone, with a hint of social anxiety.

it's a new year, and even though this is a little late, i'm going to resolve to find a way to love utah's mountains like i love the east coast. and hopefully learn how to be social again.

it's gonna be tough, but i'll pull up my boot straps, grab a diet coke and a cookie as soon as the confounded whole 30 business is over with, and try to dive in. i can do hard things! i'm gonna do it!

would you check out those low hanging clouds?! so cool

best snow on earth here, yall

picture does not do it justice. really.

dat sunset doe

snow.

it was the first snow today. just a flurry, but still. snow. if you know me at all you know that i have a love/hate relationship {ok, ok, more like a hate/hate relationship} with snow. but something about this little flurry felt different.
we've turned a corner with oliver and with me. ollie is becoming so much easier. he no longer hates the car, he is finally starting to throw up less, and with the introduction of his new exersaucer, he is finally starting to need to be entertained by us less and play on his own. he's started laughing. bea is his number one source of entertainment. he is a happy baby. he still needs his attention, i'm bouncing his bouncer with my foot as i'm writing this, but as long as he gets some love, he really is a happy dude. his smiles are always big and open mouthed. his joy for life is really starting to shine through and it's contagious. we have a routine with him now as he's gotten older and on more of a schedule with 9/noon/3 naptimes. i've started to see a new doctor for my PPD. he's rearranged my treatment and we are finally starting to feel a lift. it's slowly edging it's way out. the bad days are fewer and farther between.
seasons are changing. the snow outside is mirroring the change in my life. it's giving me hope for a new chapter, a new season. things are getting better. it's giving me hope.
the snow was so beautiful to me today, i decided to drive up to the mountains to my mom's to enjoy it more fully. i plopped up my fluffy second-day hair, ignored the splotchy skin on my face that's a result of the new meds, piled the kids in the car, threw on an old playlist from high school, and started the drive. the hour drive up there is always pleasant, since i love drives, bea loves being in the car, and ollie will finally nap in his carseat.
bea played with a happy meal toy in the backseat, oliver slept, and i listened to music. it took me back to a time when i really knew who i was. pleasant memories of the person i used to be, of loud live music, dancing, purple hair, filmmaking, friends, and just the general joie de vivre i had for life. it reminded me that i am that person. i'm in there somewhere. i'll be that person again. i know that now. i'm getting closer. i see it all in the snow. i'm ready for something different. for a new season. the snow gives me hope.
i could never understand how lorelai gilmore could love the first snow so much. it was just baffling to me. but i think i'm starting to understand. it's not really about the snow. it's about the renewal and the start of something new.
i'm by the window, watching the snow quietly dust the mountains and i feel peace. i'm putting the pain of the past seasons behind me and watching the world bring me something new, and i am grateful. i'm grateful for the snow.

baby brother's birth (oh and our cross-country move)

you guys.
seriously.
this month has hands down been the absolute CRAZIEST month of my adult life. bar none. no competition. i'm surprised we made it through alive and in one piece. my mind is blown. let's take a look, shall we?

May 23: my mother flies to connecticut to help us prepare for the movers to come wrap up our house

May 27: mom, bea, and i fly to utah on the longest travel day of my life. if you want to avoid crusties from every human in an airport, don't fly after 36 weeks pregnant. actually, how about just never fly in your third trimester? it is miserable and awful and i will never do it again (also i will never be pregnant again. beside the point.) luckily, with the help from my amazing mom, bea was completely entertained and i at least got to read in peace during the flights (there were two.) rather than wrangle a disoriented toddler.

May 28: we pick up my sister (who has last-minute returned home early from her mission due to a nasty case of mono) from the airport

May 29: i begin house-hunting with my mom, sister, and daughter in tow

June 1: i meet with my new OB/GYN, we go over my birth plan, which is very specific because we want to avoid the horrible recovery i had after delivering bea, all looks good. we make weekly appointments until i deliver.

~somewhere in here, i buy a minivan~

June 5: movers pack up our CT apartment and load up the truck with the estimated utah arrival window set to "june 9-29" awesome. gotta love some precision.

June 6: our car back in CT is loaded up to be shipped to utah with an esitmated arrival window of "2 to 20 days". again, with the precision. loving it.

June 7: Bradley FINALLY joins us in utah

June 9: bradley and i sign a lease on a home in sandy that will remain empty until our movers decide to get here

June 10: bradley's first day on the new job! lots of fun, lots of excitement. he's a happy dude.

~i am extremely uncomfortable and hugely pregnant~

June 14: i turn 26! adulthood! happy birthday to me!

June 15: i go to the dr. i'm 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced! progress is being made!

June 16-18: i waste away in 39 weeks pregnant misery

Friday June 19: i watch paul blart mall cop with the fam. i have consistent contractions the whole time and several hours after! could this be it?! i call the hospital. they say don't come in unless you can't talk through your contractions. they don't admit you unless your water has broken or you are at a 5 (?!WHAT!). i stay at home. contractions stop by 5 am.

my mom kept following me around friday to take pictures of how ridiculous i looked bc i was so big. isn't she great?

Saturday June 20: contractions continue on and off throughout the day, in the evening severe back pain sets in. is this the dreaded back labor? it is pretty much the most painful thing ever. i don't sleep all night.

i had my surge of energy that day. i still haven't gotten it back...

Sunday June 21: back pain continues throughout the day, contractions are on and off but not regular. (somewhere in here brad gets the phone call saying, hooray! the movers will be at the house tomorrow morning at 8 am!) by evening the back pain gets too much to bear, it's constant, unlike contractions, and i'm getting to the point where it hurts so bad it's hard to speak. at 8 pm we call the dr on call, who says to come to the hospital, get checked, and if i'm not yet to a 5 we could always call my dr to ask permission to induce me. sounds legit. bradley and i go to the hospital (a 45 minute drive. with contractions and supposed back labor. not fun.)
we get there, they check me, and i'm at 3.5 cm, 80% effaced. not enough to admit me, esp since my contractions are still so inconsistent. the nurse asks about the nature of my back pain and then whacks me in the back. it hurts SO bad it knocks the wind out of me. she says it seems not like back labor but a kidney problem and sends my urine for a culture. turns out i have a UTI?! no other symptoms except the kidney pain, no fever, no pain urinating, no blood in the urine. we are stumped. the pain flares up again so they give me pain pills and antibiotics for the UTI, which i promptly vomit up because i am in so much pain and they also didn't give me anything to eat with them and it's midnight at this point and i haven't eaten since 5. they try again, but i am still writhing in pain, whereupon they give me a fentanyl drip in my arm. it lasts an hour whereupon they tell me to rest while they wait to hear from my doctor about whether or not they can induce me. an hour later, the fentanyl drip wears off and i am again in excruciating pain, when the midwife concludes that i most likely have a kidney stone that has caused my infection, that it is agitated by the baby's movements and my contractions, and that is the source of the pain i'm feeling, and the only way to deal with it is pain management and trying to pass the stone and kill the infection with antibiotics. oh and to get the baby out asap. since they still haven't heard back from my doctor about inducing me, she won't be in until 8 am, and their policy says they can't keep me for longer than 6 hours without admitting me officially, they decide to send me home at 4 am, crying hysterically in pain, with a prescription for pain pills that i can't fill until 2 hours after the current ones wear off because there are no 24 hour pharmacies for miles. yay. we return to my mom's house. she is outraged that we have been sent home but tucks me in and tells me to try and get some rest. my back settles down enough for me to get some rest around 5 am.

Monday June 22: at 6 am my back flares up again, tears ensue, bradley wakes up and has to head down to sandy to meet the movers. i drift off but wake up again at 7 screaming and throwing up from the back pain. mother has had enough, she calls the hospital in a rage demanding they take me back immediately and admit me and at the very least get me some pain relief. the midwife who attended to me the night before says mother is completely right, the hospital's policy is ridiculous, i should never have been sent home in that condition, to bring me back immediately and we will get that baby out and fix that kidney. i get a blessing from my dad so i can endure the long drive to the hospital and my back settles down. my dad brings bea to my in-laws for the day, and mom, abby and i head to the hospital and make it there in one piece.
we check in and they are all wildly accommodating, saying they are expecting me, they've talked to my dr, they will admit me immediately, give me an immediate epidural after giving me iv pain meds to relieve my back, and start pitocin once my dr arrives. my nurse is awesome. i am making a mental note now that i still need to send her a gift. we call brad and tell him i'm going to be induced like right now and to make it over as soon as the movers are done. he is very excited and says they are almost done (at this point it's like 10:30 am) and he will grab something to eat and then head over
my doctor arrives, the epidural kicks in, my back is finally somewhat relieved (it doesn't completely go away because my kidney goes slightly higher than where the epi goes in, but it is significantly reduced. eventually it goes away at some point in the day.) she checks me, i'm at a 4 and 80%, the pitocin starts at about 11 am. THE BABY IS COMING SOON!
abby ducks out of the hospital for a bit for an appointment somewhere. my dad works at the university so he pops in for a bit to keep us company. brad makes it over by 12:30/1pm. we all hang out and chit chat for a while. abby comes back at like 2, dad leaves. bradley decides that his outfit just won't do for having a baby, because he is in his grubby moving clothes and abby just likes shopping so after i get checked and am decidedly only at a 6, we figure they have time to dart over to the nearby nordstrom rack and grab him a new shirt.
the dr comes in like 45 min later and says i'm at a 9 and 100% effaced, let's prep for pushing! she'll be back in a few to get started! we frantically call brad and abby and tell them to come back. they are checking out and say they will be back soon. we text dad and he comes back. abby and bradley make it back just after the dr comes back in at like 3:45. by just a little after 4, i am all set up to push, and after some great pushes, oliver is born at 4:55!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the first thing everyone says is "WHOA HE IS HUGE!!!!!" and "I KNEW HE'D HAVE HAIR!!!!"

pink, purple, and smushy, just how i like em.

look at that guy. a natural. and how about that shirt?

when bea was born, she was silent and wide-eyed for like a solid 45 minutes until people started poking and rubbing her down. oliver screamed for 25 solid minutes until i could finally sit up after delivering my placenta and getting stitched up (2nd degree tear! that baby was HUGE.) and then i could nurse him (he latched almost immediately which is surprising, considering he is tongue tied! we're getting that fixed in a week, i am not excited about it.) after adequate soothing, they weighed him and lo and behold, he came in at 9 LBS!!!!! I DELIVERED A 9 LB BABY!!!!!!!!!!!! he's also 21.5 inches long, which i could have told you. that kid took up soooo much space in there.

we were wheeled off to the maternity ward, the in-laws came to see the baby with bea in tow, she was a little bewildered but mostly excited. and after that, honestly it's a blur, i do not remember most of the rest of that day. 3 sleepless days and nights ending with the biggest feat of humanity takes a lot out of you. the rest of the hospital stay was (thankfully!) uneventful compared to last time, they scanned my kidney and it was clear of any stones so we suppose it either came out in my catheter (which they searched each time they emptied it and didn't catch anything but they could have missed it) or that my kidney was just extremely inflamed from the UTI and the baby's constant agitating it and my contractions were exaggerating the inflammation pain. good news is, i do not have to pass a kidney stone unassisted. hallelujah.

we came home on wednesday, my mother in law was at our new home with bea waiting for us, and bea was SO EXCITED to see baby brother again. we walked in the door and she ran up to us screaming "OLIVER!!!!!!!!!!" it was painfully adorable. the house was in surprisingly good shape considering the movers had only come 2 days before. my mom and mother in law and brad had been working feverishly while i was in the hospital to get things more or less ready for us to settle in by the time we got home. over the next few days, i laid around a lot and my mom and bradley finished unpacking our house. by saturday, everything was done! hooray! i still have a little organizing projects to do here and there but it looks like we've been here forever. and brad still has a whole week left of paternity leave! i am very excited for this week because it feels like a do-over come-home week from the hospital. now that we don't have a ton of moving tasks to do, we can finally relax and focus on getting used to becoming a family of four.

this post has mainly been a "facts only" post because i honestly don't have the energy to write about all the feels i'm having right now. i am all over the place emotionally. a lot of it is post partum hormones (let's be real, most of it), but obviously all these changes happening at once has thrown me (and bea) completely for a loop. i'm sure it's thrown brad too but he has totally been our rock in this situation since getting to utah and i am eternally grateful. luckily, oliver has followed in his sister's footsteps and is a fantastic sleeper. he would sleep through the night if we let him, but he needs to get back to his enormous birth weight before we can let him do it. so he does 4 hour stretches at night, brad wakes up at 2:30 and 6:30 to feed him, making sure that i sleep as much as possible. he is such an amazing dad. it's amazing to see how comfortable he is with oliver right from the start compared to how tentative and nervous he was when bea was born. he is a skilled professional now. superdad, if you will.

i'm physically feeling much better now, a week later, with only a little bit of pain leftover from my stitches but that's basically it. sticking to my detailed birthplan made an ENORMOUS difference and i had a completely normal recovery, free of extreme swelling and distended bladders and foley catheters and all that ugly stuff. i didn't realize i could feel so normal so soon after having a baby and it is such a blessing. i am so grateful to have such a healthy recovery this time! it has really taken my stress levels down a notch, so that's good.

i could NEVER have made it through all of this without the help of my family and my in-laws. they have all been so helpful and have confirmed that we have definitely made the right choice in coming out here to be closer to them. is being in utah hard? it is. i look out the windows and don't see any tall trees for miles and my heart sinks a little as i remember that i now live in a desert, thousands of miles from new york, but the trade-off of being close to family is invaluable and i am so grateful to be here. i hope i get used to it soon. i hope i get used to a lot of things. luckily, life is not a race and i have all the time in the world to figure this out.

westward, ho!!

you guys. the rumors are true.
this little crew is moving out west. to UTAH. (WHAT?! but, caity! you said you'd never---)
I KNOW WHAT I SAID!
but when your husband gets offered the job of his *dreams* that also happens to be just skip and a hop from your mama's house.... YOU GO!

here's the scoop:
brad works in video games, right? so there's this thing (let me see if i get this right) called "AAA" which is basically the select few big-league video game companies, where if you break into them, your career in video games is made. Ooo i just looked it up on wikipedia ok here is what it means:

"In the video game industry, AAA (pronounced "triple A") is a classification term used for games with the highest development budgets and levels of promotion. A title considered to be AAA is therefore expected to be a high quality game and to be among the year's bestsellers." -- wikipedia 

basically, if you're in games, AAA is where you wanna be! so, we discovered a AAA opportunity that happened to be in the salt lake area that was waaaay too good to pass up. perfect company, perfect position, perfect team. so he went for it and got it! we are beyond thrilled for him, this is such a big step in his career and we couldn't be more excited.

also...did i mention it's only an hour from each of our parents?!?!?!
and did i mention we would be cutting our rent, living expenses, and basically all of our costs almost in half by leaving the east coast?
it's basically a win win. win win win.
will i miss the beauty and culture of the east coast? yes.
will i miss all the people i love dearly out here? very yes.
will i miss the exorbitant cost of living? no, no and no. bye felicia.
will i miss brad's commute and long work hours? no.

oh and i bet you're also thinking "but like aren't you having a baby in like a week?" well no, i'm having a baby in FIVE weeks. which means my time left where i'm actually able to fly is limited, so basically.....bea and i are leaving in 10 days. (WHAT?!) we are going to stay with my parents in midway while we find a place to live and then bradley will join us out there the 2nd week of june, at which point *hopefully* we will have a house leased and the movers can bring us all our stuff to said house. we're hoping to be settled somewhere by brad's june 10th start date. a little ambitious, but we've done it before in less time, with less help. the moving package they're offering us is making this all so wonderfully easy, it seems a bit unreal. we are so, so grateful!

this whole opportunity is such a blessing and the answer to many many prayers. we have been thinking of ways to be closer to our families for a while now and this is above and beyond any solution we could have hoped for. we are truly, truly blessed.

being on the east coast has been a wonderful experience for our family, we love so many things about it, and a part of me will always call it home. it's bittersweet that this season of our lives is over. i've loved introducing the east to bradley and loved sharing east coast experiences with bea that i also had when i was her age. i will miss my proximity to the city...it's been a security blanket for me these last 8 years. even if i don't go as often as i could, i've known that i could and that was always comforting to me. it scares me to be far away from new york for some reason. i always feel like a piece of me is missing when i'm too far away; i felt that the 8 years i lived in texas and i'm sure i'll feel it when we make it out to utah. i'm a little nervous about utah culture and fitting in someplace where we don't really fit the mold, but living close to family in an affordable area with bradley at such a great company with a great work/life balance is going to make it all worth it. i really can't wait to get this new chapter started. it's going to be EPIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

New York Bound! (Again.)

The rumors are true. Our little family is moving back to the NYC metro area. This was a most unexpected twist in our plans and has happened rather fast. It happened like this:

One day {the second week of June} we were minding our own business when Bradley got an e-mail from a game company called "Fresh Planet" asking if he'd ever consider a job in New York. As everyone already knows, the answer to this question is always "Yes!" So he had a phone interview the next day, and was asked to come into the city to meet the team and CEO that Friday. Remember my birthday weekend in New York? It was also {mostly} a job interview weekend. {but it was still a blast!} He was given a third and final interview 5 days later and offered the job the next day! They actually wanted him to start June 30th but we were like "ahem. give us a sec." So he starts his job as their marketing director July 21st! I'll hang around here tying up loose ends until July 31st and then we are headed back to Connecticut!

Bradley is going to commute to the city again. This was a huge internal struggle for us. We finally were faced with the very real opportunity to live in the city that we've always dreamed of living in. But we were also painfully aware of the fact that it would require a HUGE lifestyle change. We would have more or less the same amount of space we have here in Philly but without our extra storage space {meaning we'd have to get rid of a lot of stuff}, without our washer and dryer, likely without a dishwasher, annnnnd we'd have to sell our car. Which I just wasn't sure I was ready to do. Just the thought of hauling all of my laundry down a 3 floor walkup to the laundromat, pregnant {no surprises here just always a possibility!} with a toddler in tow was enough to make me consider the suburbs again. Choosing the suburbs has been a small blow to my ego {am I not tough enough for the city?! why am I such a lightweight?!} but we really do believe it is the best choice for our family.

I know I haven't exactly been subtle about how I feel about Philly but I was surprised at how sad I've felt at the notion of leaving. I have made such amazing friends in this strange, strange city and leaving them here is hands down the WORST part of this whole thing. If I could wrap them all up and move them with me I would. I'm gonna miss the crap out of em. They will all just have to come visit us every single free second they have. It's only a 2 and a half hour drive! You know who you are.

I know it's only been a year but we've learned a lot living here. I truly think, with all of its quirks, Philly has changed us for the better. We've learned all kinds of stuff, primarily = that we can do hard things. It's not easy to live here, but we DID it! We made it through the worst winter ever, served in a ward with many needs and lots of diversity, learned to survive in a city, and learned that you don't have to love where you live to love your life. I can't tell you how many times I've sat rocking Bea to sleep at night just thinking of how blessed our lives are. I could go on and on about that but I have a toddler that is having a temper tantrum right now because she can't have fruit snacks for breakfast. So I'll leave it at that. Peace out, Philly. You're one of a kind.