snow.

it was the first snow today. just a flurry, but still. snow. if you know me at all you know that i have a love/hate relationship {ok, ok, more like a hate/hate relationship} with snow. but something about this little flurry felt different.
we've turned a corner with oliver and with me. ollie is becoming so much easier. he no longer hates the car, he is finally starting to throw up less, and with the introduction of his new exersaucer, he is finally starting to need to be entertained by us less and play on his own. he's started laughing. bea is his number one source of entertainment. he is a happy baby. he still needs his attention, i'm bouncing his bouncer with my foot as i'm writing this, but as long as he gets some love, he really is a happy dude. his smiles are always big and open mouthed. his joy for life is really starting to shine through and it's contagious. we have a routine with him now as he's gotten older and on more of a schedule with 9/noon/3 naptimes. i've started to see a new doctor for my PPD. he's rearranged my treatment and we are finally starting to feel a lift. it's slowly edging it's way out. the bad days are fewer and farther between.
seasons are changing. the snow outside is mirroring the change in my life. it's giving me hope for a new chapter, a new season. things are getting better. it's giving me hope.
the snow was so beautiful to me today, i decided to drive up to the mountains to my mom's to enjoy it more fully. i plopped up my fluffy second-day hair, ignored the splotchy skin on my face that's a result of the new meds, piled the kids in the car, threw on an old playlist from high school, and started the drive. the hour drive up there is always pleasant, since i love drives, bea loves being in the car, and ollie will finally nap in his carseat.
bea played with a happy meal toy in the backseat, oliver slept, and i listened to music. it took me back to a time when i really knew who i was. pleasant memories of the person i used to be, of loud live music, dancing, purple hair, filmmaking, friends, and just the general joie de vivre i had for life. it reminded me that i am that person. i'm in there somewhere. i'll be that person again. i know that now. i'm getting closer. i see it all in the snow. i'm ready for something different. for a new season. the snow gives me hope.
i could never understand how lorelai gilmore could love the first snow so much. it was just baffling to me. but i think i'm starting to understand. it's not really about the snow. it's about the renewal and the start of something new.
i'm by the window, watching the snow quietly dust the mountains and i feel peace. i'm putting the pain of the past seasons behind me and watching the world bring me something new, and i am grateful. i'm grateful for the snow.