just for me

a few weeks ago i was at the doctor, discussing my moods since the baby was born, and she asked me if i was doing anything for myself. i had to think about it. i of course watch copious amounts of television at night after the kids are down, but i'm always "on" (there's a word for that that's escaping me right now. some type of adrenaline thing that's always laying and waiting in case something happens to your kids...anyway), waiting for bea to cry out for one more drink of water, or for oliver to fuss when his binky falls out. and there's always that laundry i need to fold while watching... (whether i do it or not is a different story. but it haunts me while i watch tv.) i try to exercise consistently, which was the only thing i could think about that i do explicitly for me, but i usually do it while the kids are like RIGHT THERE and bea always wants to do squats or pushups with me (which is really cute btw) and oliver usually wakes up two or three times while i'm in the middle of it and then i soothe him and lose my flow and get out of the zone and the workout kinda loses some effectiveness. i could try waking up earlier to get this done, but i've been advised to sleep as much as possible, so at the moment waking up earlier isn't too much of an option, and doing it at night is always a possibility, but still. always being "on" nags at me while i'm doing jumping jacks with jillian in my living room. i could always go for a walk like when bea was a baby, for a mindfulness activity (i'm really big on mindfulness. it's great for mental health) while getting some exercise in, but now that she's big she gets bored and a bit whiny on walks, and oliver is still little enough that he's a little too needy to just pick up and go on a walk with. so walks aren't really just for me either when you factor all that in. also, there are not a lot of beautiful shaded stroller-friendly paths in utah. #desert (makes me miss the east soooo bad!) the only time i get a babysitter during the week is when i have a dr appointment for either me or one of my kids.
so really, i'm not doing a ton for me. i don't have like a weekly thing set aside where i am kid-free, all alone, doing something solely for myself.
and right now i am doing just that-- i am going away for a girls' weekend in houston to attend one of my besties' wedding! to be honest it came at a time when i wasn't feeling too great, and i almost didn't go. i didn't want to do anything too stressful, i was afraid to leave my kids, especially with oliver so little. but brad and my mom really wanted me to go, they thought it would be good for me. and i knew i would KICK myself later if i missed lara's wedding! so here i am, at a layover in denver, and while i miss my kids a lot already, like i've been scrolling through pictures of them on my phone, (seriously, it's only been 6 hours. moms are weird. or maybe i'm just weird.)
it's actually really refreshing to be alone. like, i can't remember the last time i put HEADPHONES on to listen to MUSIC! ALONE! i used to have my headphones in all the time before i had kids, i listened to music CONSTANTLY and was always on the hunt for cool new music, but all of that slowed down quite a bit once i had kids. i listen to music in the car with bea, but while she likes britney (BRITTUNEE SPEEYURS!) and taylor (TEE FWIFT!), she's not crazy about my mellow folk rock or indie electronica so that's gotten placed on the back-burner for a while. i forgot how much joy that kind of music brings me. and being able to listen to it by myself, without any interruptions is so relaxing! i really did forget what that was like. and when the bookstore didn't have my bookclub book last night, i invested in one of those adult coloring books and have been taking a whack at it today during my flight and layover, and it's been really nice to just focus on something, just one thing, for a long amount of time, without having to pick up the crayons bea dropped or soothe the baby or put caps back on bea's markers. i can't even tell you empirically what it is about being alone that's so great, but it just is. i mean there's a reason the doctor asked if i was doing anything for just me. it's healthy. it's good for you. i think bradley and my mom knew this was kind of the push i needed to get in the habit of just taking a break every once in a while and focus on me. i don't know why i feel so selfish and guilty about doing it but i need to get over it because i already feel better after just a few hours. it's nice to give myself a chance to genuinely miss my kids. i feel like it's already helping my relationship with them.
i just landed and got my bag and am sitting out in the soupy houston air waiting for my girlfriends to pick me up, and i am so glad i came. it's nice that i can focus on every little thing, like the sounds of angry people (i MISS that, living in utah now), and the heavy, wet quality of the air, the smell of secondhand smoke, and everything else around me without any distractions. things i don't notice when i'm telling bea where the rain comes from or why superWHY knows all his letters or when the next time we eat is going to be and where her water is (WE'LL HAVE A SNACK SOON OK?! why are 2 yr olds ALWAYS hungry and thirsty?!) i'm glad i was able to get past my mom guilt and be there for a friend, and do something for me. it's going to be such a great weekend! hooray for me time!

sentiment

i am not much of a crier. i cry when i'm really sad or really angry or when i'm uncontrollably hormonal, but i'm not the type to tear up at every tug at my emotions. i'm an emotional person but just not a crier. (i feel like it's hard for people to take me seriously at fast and testimony meetings ha. the tears just don't come!) i am also not romantic (see: sappy). i get uncomfortable when i read/hear poetry and i don't typically listen to song lyrics. what i'm trying to say here is, i hardly EVER connect with a song based on it's lyrics, and i hardly EVER post song lyrics. so i felt like posting this one because every time i hear this song now, i almost completely lose it. i usually sing along to every single song i hear when listening to music but whenever this one comes on, forget it, because no intelligible words are coming out of this girl's mouth when she hears this song. what song? read on.

there was a time in our marriage where bradley and i were pretty sure that we might not be able to have kids. it was a really challenging thing for me not only because it felt like ALL my friends were getting pregnant at the time, but also because i know how much bradley loves children and i felt like a failure as a human woman for not being able to do this most basic thing that we were basically created to do. i could go on, but i'll spare you. for anyone who has been there, you know how complicated of an emotion it is. anyway, the week that i found out i was pregnant, i heard the song "a thousand years" by christina perri on my pandora in the car (unaware of its association with twilight at the time. let's put that in a deep, dark corner somewhere.) but i heard it and man oh man i just lost it. i know it's supposed to be a romantic love song, but i heard it in a totally different way. here's the words: (or you can play it on the video while you read if you please)

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

i even tear up now just thinking the words, "i have died every day waiting for you". i really did. i died every day not knowing whether or not i would ever have children of my own, ever hold a baby who had bradley's eyes, or even just waddle around with a big belly and feel something move in there. every time i hear that song, i am so so so so so so grateful for this wonderful miracle that bradley and i are experiencing and i get so excited to meet her that i feel like i'm going to explode. i really have loved her for a thousand years and i'm going to love her for a thousand more, at the very very least. i am so grateful for eternal families and that i have a heavenly father who trusts me enough to help one of his little ones through life. i can't wait to get started! hurry up little nugget! 7 weeks is too long to wait!

Muse! Tom Hanks talks 'Full House!' plus, a rocknroll temper tantrum!

I have no idea why it took me until this week to finally give Muse's new album a listen but WHOABOY am I glad I did. It. is. awesome. For example:



Seriously. How can you not love this??? Amazing, amirightpeople?!

There are some misses on the album but most of it is perfect. A lot of people are upset that Muse chose to incorporate dubstep into some of their tracks, saying they were trying too hard to be trendy and "right now." And to them I say, No. Muse has chosen to EVOLVE while still staying true to themselves. This is an increasing rarity in today's neo-classic rock groups. (I made up that genre myself). We have the greats like Muse and Coldplay who evolve and manage to stay relevant while not giving up an ounce of what makes them, them.

And then you have bands like....Green Day, who, despite their best (albeit pathetic) attempts to stay relevant:
A) refuse to incorporate anything new into their music (and their look! Seriously! it isn't 2003 anymore, guys. plus you are all over 40. wayyyyy too old to still be singing about sticking it to the man and hating authority.)
B) cling to the past and depend on old fans to stay afloat
C) can't come up with anything original anymore
D) throw temper tantrums on stage when all of the above becomes painfully apparent to the masses. Observe below (start at 00:25)



So sad. The pathetic kind, not the boohoo kind.

Also, enjoy this video of Tom Hanks doing Slam Poetry about Full House. It is kind of the best thing ever.


Now enjoy your wednesday! Or else!

Some Pics and Some Tunes

Ok so, I'll just give people what they want and start with the latest bump pictures:

That's me at almost 23 weeks. It's FLYING by! And my fears have turned into reality, my nose HAS grown. I thought it not possible to have a bigger nose than I did, but alas. Look at it.

Also, on a completely unrelated note, last night, I went to a RS dinner and found THIS in my quinoa salad:

That there is a FACE! Isn't that insane? The quinoa shreds were perfectly assembled into a face onto that little tomato chunk. I had to take a picture and share with SOMEONE. 

Anyway. Onto the posty part of the post.

Used to be, when I was a weency bit younger and a little more not-married, I knew what-was-what with what was cool. Turns out, something happens when you are wed to someone: you stop being cool. I cannot explain why this is. I just know that it happens. The time it takes for me to discover a funny new YouTube video or a hip new song is directly proportional to how long I have been married. Which explains why all of our parents are so behind the times! They have been married for forever!

I've been married for three years. Lucky for me, I was super-dooper cool before I got married, so while my exponential downward curve of "with-it"-ness is plummeting,  I am still treading in the "acceptable zone". (Teenagers in my ward will acknowledge and welcome my presence.) However, no matter how many times I see a new YouTube clip (and I suppose I use "new" lightly) and share it with my sister, (who is 18, a freshman in college, and with negative years of marriage, thereby cooler than me on all accounts), I am always humiliated with the "OH MY GOSH I KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SAW THAT! ISN'T IT HILARIOUS?! " comments.

I suppose the reason I am going on this mini-soap box is because, I was thinking the other day.... I used to be THE go-to girl for the coolest new tunes! I mean, if people wanted those oven-fresh hits, it was all "Hey Caity, can you make me a playlist?" or "Hey Caity, will you be in charge of the music for my partay?" I guess now that I am boring and married and with child, I don't go to a lot of parties or spend a lot of time perusing new music. And all of the friends I have who knew that I had a knack for teh tunes are all living far, far, away from me currently. So with the fall in demand, I have witnessed a plummet in supply. I am not always up on the newest of the new tunes. But I still love music and am always on the lookout for cool new stuff. Which is why I LOVE Spotify by the way. If you don't have it, get it. (We can share playlists!) I even bought a subscription so I can use it on my phone and listen without commercials. I think I am starting to value my Spotify subscription more than my Netflix subscription....I digress. This is not a Spotify ad.

I decided I would do a post about what my favorites are right now. It seemed like the thing to do since my last post was about books; I figured I'd do a music post! Since my taste is all over the place, I thought I'd separate my selections into categories: On the Radio (Top 40 favorites), On My iPod (self-explanatory? top plays on my iPod recently),  and On My Mind (songs that I CANNOT get out of my head at the moment, for better or for worse). I'll try and keep it fresh and newish, with a few oldies-but-goodies scattered here and there.
So. My favorites of late:

On the Radio

Maroon 5 - One More Night
With all the racket of their new single "Payphone" (which got REALLY old REALLY fast), this fun and utterly danceable jam from the same album is a DELIGHT.


Taylor Swift - We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together
Ah, T Swift. The girl I love to hate. I've ranted about her hypocrisy of Facebook several times, but what can I say? Her stuff is CATCHY!


Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen - Good Time
Bradley HATES Owl City. It's hilarious. Maybe that's why I like blaring this one so much...



On My iPod

Kate Miller-Heidke - Album: Nightflight
This WHOLE album is AWESOME! I've liked this artist for a while now and her latest album did not disappoint  Here is a fun one from her latest, but I highly, highly recommend giving the whole thing a listen. She's got a pop-ish sound with some 90s influences and a hint of indie rock.... This track is called I'll Change Your Mind. I couldn't find a lyric video, apparently the music video is violent? So if you're not into that just minimize while you listen. Or check her out on Spotify.


The Lumineers - Ho Hey
If you know me, you know I love me some folk tunes. These guys are a folky good time. This track is bouncy and fun (:


The Shins - Simple Song
Gotta love an indie classic. From their latest album, Port of Morrow, which I really enjoyed. Not my all time favorite Shins album but it definitely had its share of treasures.


Agnes Obel - Riverside
I love her! This whole album, Philharmonics, is awesome.



On My Mind

Psy - Gangnam Style
They've even started playing this on all of our NYC radio stations. It's everywhere. Including my brain. *sigh* Y'know, my dad speaks Korean, I should ask him what this clown is saying....


Imagine Dragons - Radioactive
Spreading the Provo love! These guys are from P-town, so naturally I had to give them a listen. This song is great!


Ladytron - Mirage
I'd heard of Ladytron before this song, but I have never been obsessed with one of her songs until NOW! Her sound is so cool! It's got an 80s vibe...think Berlin meets Madonna meets the Bangles meets Goldfrapp.



Anyhoo, that's all I could think of right now. I might make this kind of post a habit. It could be my motivation to stay on the ball with finding new music!
And since you have all been very good, I will leave you with my favorite YouTube video of the day:

I like the slinky and the walrus and the dog 'Nam vet. And LeBron. And the Snuggie family. OK I like it all.
There you have it people. Happy Friday! Have a great weekend!