just for me

a few weeks ago i was at the doctor, discussing my moods since the baby was born, and she asked me if i was doing anything for myself. i had to think about it. i of course watch copious amounts of television at night after the kids are down, but i'm always "on" (there's a word for that that's escaping me right now. some type of adrenaline thing that's always laying and waiting in case something happens to your kids...anyway), waiting for bea to cry out for one more drink of water, or for oliver to fuss when his binky falls out. and there's always that laundry i need to fold while watching... (whether i do it or not is a different story. but it haunts me while i watch tv.) i try to exercise consistently, which was the only thing i could think about that i do explicitly for me, but i usually do it while the kids are like RIGHT THERE and bea always wants to do squats or pushups with me (which is really cute btw) and oliver usually wakes up two or three times while i'm in the middle of it and then i soothe him and lose my flow and get out of the zone and the workout kinda loses some effectiveness. i could try waking up earlier to get this done, but i've been advised to sleep as much as possible, so at the moment waking up earlier isn't too much of an option, and doing it at night is always a possibility, but still. always being "on" nags at me while i'm doing jumping jacks with jillian in my living room. i could always go for a walk like when bea was a baby, for a mindfulness activity (i'm really big on mindfulness. it's great for mental health) while getting some exercise in, but now that she's big she gets bored and a bit whiny on walks, and oliver is still little enough that he's a little too needy to just pick up and go on a walk with. so walks aren't really just for me either when you factor all that in. also, there are not a lot of beautiful shaded stroller-friendly paths in utah. #desert (makes me miss the east soooo bad!) the only time i get a babysitter during the week is when i have a dr appointment for either me or one of my kids.
so really, i'm not doing a ton for me. i don't have like a weekly thing set aside where i am kid-free, all alone, doing something solely for myself.
and right now i am doing just that-- i am going away for a girls' weekend in houston to attend one of my besties' wedding! to be honest it came at a time when i wasn't feeling too great, and i almost didn't go. i didn't want to do anything too stressful, i was afraid to leave my kids, especially with oliver so little. but brad and my mom really wanted me to go, they thought it would be good for me. and i knew i would KICK myself later if i missed lara's wedding! so here i am, at a layover in denver, and while i miss my kids a lot already, like i've been scrolling through pictures of them on my phone, (seriously, it's only been 6 hours. moms are weird. or maybe i'm just weird.)
it's actually really refreshing to be alone. like, i can't remember the last time i put HEADPHONES on to listen to MUSIC! ALONE! i used to have my headphones in all the time before i had kids, i listened to music CONSTANTLY and was always on the hunt for cool new music, but all of that slowed down quite a bit once i had kids. i listen to music in the car with bea, but while she likes britney (BRITTUNEE SPEEYURS!) and taylor (TEE FWIFT!), she's not crazy about my mellow folk rock or indie electronica so that's gotten placed on the back-burner for a while. i forgot how much joy that kind of music brings me. and being able to listen to it by myself, without any interruptions is so relaxing! i really did forget what that was like. and when the bookstore didn't have my bookclub book last night, i invested in one of those adult coloring books and have been taking a whack at it today during my flight and layover, and it's been really nice to just focus on something, just one thing, for a long amount of time, without having to pick up the crayons bea dropped or soothe the baby or put caps back on bea's markers. i can't even tell you empirically what it is about being alone that's so great, but it just is. i mean there's a reason the doctor asked if i was doing anything for just me. it's healthy. it's good for you. i think bradley and my mom knew this was kind of the push i needed to get in the habit of just taking a break every once in a while and focus on me. i don't know why i feel so selfish and guilty about doing it but i need to get over it because i already feel better after just a few hours. it's nice to give myself a chance to genuinely miss my kids. i feel like it's already helping my relationship with them.
i just landed and got my bag and am sitting out in the soupy houston air waiting for my girlfriends to pick me up, and i am so glad i came. it's nice that i can focus on every little thing, like the sounds of angry people (i MISS that, living in utah now), and the heavy, wet quality of the air, the smell of secondhand smoke, and everything else around me without any distractions. things i don't notice when i'm telling bea where the rain comes from or why superWHY knows all his letters or when the next time we eat is going to be and where her water is (WE'LL HAVE A SNACK SOON OK?! why are 2 yr olds ALWAYS hungry and thirsty?!) i'm glad i was able to get past my mom guilt and be there for a friend, and do something for me. it's going to be such a great weekend! hooray for me time!