When no one was watching

I was having a rough week. Tired every day, hard to wake up, even harder to make breakfast, too tired at school drop off, and could not even with dinner time. The kids were constantly fighting (either that or running around screaming like animals). They had too much screen time, which made it worse. I was yelling more than I should have been. My house was a mess. It was a cycle that was hard to break.

Then, on Thursday while Bea was at school, Ollie took a long, long nap. 

And instead of waking up whining and screaming, he woke up with his scratchy post nap voice calling quietly “mama, mama??”

I went in to find him sitting quietly in his bed reaching out his arms to snuggle with me.

He spent his whole diaper change saying “i love you mommy! I am your best, cute boy! Ever ever ever!” We had the sweetest conversation, with lots of "I love you's" and "you are so cute's!" (from both parties). 

I went to bring his blanket back to his bed and noticed his phone was on. The camera was open. It had been recording video for 12 minutes. Turns out he had turned it on before calling out for me to get him. I laughed to myself and turned it off so we could go pick up Bea from school.

I watched it later that night and listened to my conversation with Ollie after I went in to get him up. It was such a sweet tender moment, and it melted my heart! 

How perfect he was to set that record button right when i needed it! It was nice to replay that sweet moment after having such a long frustrating week. He could easily have recorded a fight with Bea or a temper tantrum he had for me but instead we ended up with a sweet video of us having the cutest little conversation. It was a light in a dark week. It was a great little shove to get me out of the cranky Mom funk I’d been in. 

Being reminded that you can, in fact, be pleasant with your children is that tiny glimpse out of the “Mom melancholy” and a leg up to getting Mom-hood somewhat under control (I mean is it ever, really?) Remembering that, instead of a cranky Mom with nice moments, you are a nice mom with cranky moments is so, so important. Then you're able to rein everything in and stop feeling bad about yourself and letting the Mom Guilt creep in (as many of us do all too much).

You're a good mom. Even when you think no one's watching.

to the kind lady at the pool

monday was not stellar.

i lost oliver. like legitimate freak-out status lost.

we were at the library and i felt so smart checking out our books in the kids' area so i didn't have to deal with the lobby/atrium area. 

i forgot to scan the two movies bea chose so i figured i would just do them really quick at the front desk. 

there was a little thing off to the side that was one of those lifesize (in this case, toddler sized) poster portrait things with the head cut out so you can put your face in. ollie and bea ran straight for it (she was holding his hand) and i turned around to scan the two things quickly and i turned around and he was gone. completely gone. i asked bea where he was (she keeps surprisingly good tabs on him usually) and she had no idea. 

i told bea to stay put at the desk next to our giant book pile (which she did with perfection, bless that girl) and speed walked to the back of the library to the kids area and looked for him and he wasn't there. i ran into my visiting teacher and was like "sorry girl lost ollie talk later" so she was on the lookout too. 

she saw a woman out in the parking lot walking a toddler back to the library. oliver had somehow made it out of the library and had made it pretty far into the parking lot while i was in the back looking for him.

i was horrified, mortified, and embarrassed. i didn't react how i should have. after thanking the lady profusely and squeezing ollie tight in relief, i grumbled "you are in so much trouble little man" at him instead of weeping tears of joy that he was ok.

i left the library with the guilt of having lost him, the terror of realizing what could have happened, the embarrassment of reacting the wrong way, and shock at my stupidity in not checking the parking lot first. i just felt sick.

later that day, after ollie's nap (i snuggled the crap out of him and showered him with kisses when i put him down, to overcorrect) i got a text from brad's aunt asking if we were going to join them at the pool. i forgot i'd agreed to go a day or two ago, and i just really didn't want to go. but i did it. i packed everyone up and headed to the pool. halfway there, i realized i'd forgotten bea's floatie and almost just went home, but i didn't. i stuck it out, made it to the pool, and had a good time.

after we finished up, we went to the locker room to change for a little family dinner we were headed to. a nice 50/60 something lady became enchanted with ollie (because really how can you not?) and gave bea her due attention that a lot of people forget to do when gushing over sweet, cherub-faced ollie. she was sweet and chatted with them while i was getting them dressed so they wouldn't go crazy while i was peeling wet clothes off them and trying to shove dry clothes over slightly wet bodies.

after they were all changed, she looked me in the eye and said, "you are a good mom. i know it's really hard to get out and do things, but you made their day. you took them to the pool and they had a great time. you are a good mom."

even writing this now it almost brings tears to my eyes. how could she have known how much i needed to hear those words? who knows, maybe she says that to everyone but frankly i don't care. she said it to me on a day that i felt anything but a good mom.

so thank you, sweet pool locker room lady. you gave me that last little push i needed to finish my day without drowning in mom-guilt despair. you helped me wake up the next morning feeling capable and confident instead of broken and inadequate. your kind words meant more to me than you'll ever know.

Mom Minutia

You guys. Some days I'm just really tired of being a mom.

I'm tired of wiping endless runny noses.

I'm tired of hearing "mom. mom. mom. mom. MOM!!!!!!" all. day. long.

I'm tired of constantly sweeping crushed cheerios and graham crackers off my kitchen floor.

I'm tired of wishing for silence but dreading what happens with too much silence.

I'm tired of listening to their one favorite song over and over and over and OVER.

I'm tired of washing a million little plastic dishes and silverware.

I'm tired of asking them to pick up their toys and then eventually putting them all away myself.

I'm tired of tying tiny shoes. 

I'm tired of endless piles and piles and PILES of laundry.

I'm tired of wiping other people's butts.

I think all moms feel this way. I honestly don't think there's any shame in it. Being a mom is a legitimate job. It's not a hobby or a side project. It's an all-consuming career in child-rearing. Of course we're going to get tired of it sometimes. Just like someone at the office is tired of doing the same thing every day, tired of the way their boss talks, tired of hearing the person in the next cubicle who chews too loud, tired of how that one person always pronounces their name wrong.

Being tired of your job from time to time is nothing new.

But mom guilt is the worst kind of guilt, and it creeps in whenever we feel burnt out or even just annoyed at the constant weight put on us. Because for some reason we feel like being tired of doing the menial things day in and day out means that we somehow love our children less, which, when you think about it, is completely ridiculous. 

Are you tired of baby snuggles?

Are you tired of saying or hearing "I love you"?

Are you tired of toddler smiles with chubby cheeks and giant eyes?

Are you tired of receiving carefully crafted artwork, made just for you?

Are you tired of their scratchy voices and rosy cheeks that only happen after a good nap?

Are you tired of planting great big kisses on squishy little faces?

Are you tired of big belly giggles from your little ones?

Are you tired of holding tiny, soft, warm, pudgy hands?

Of course you're not. When it all comes down to it, those are things that make you a mom. The rest is just details. When you look at it, you're not tired of being a mom at all. Now push that guilt away, leave those dishes in the sink, and snuggle with those little ones for a while. I know you're tired of hearing it, but these days will be gone all too soon. Don't get so caught up in the details that you forget about the best part, the good stuff. The stuff that makes being a mom the best job in the entire world.