to the kind lady at the pool

monday was not stellar.

i lost oliver. like legitimate freak-out status lost.

we were at the library and i felt so smart checking out our books in the kids' area so i didn't have to deal with the lobby/atrium area. 

i forgot to scan the two movies bea chose so i figured i would just do them really quick at the front desk. 

there was a little thing off to the side that was one of those lifesize (in this case, toddler sized) poster portrait things with the head cut out so you can put your face in. ollie and bea ran straight for it (she was holding his hand) and i turned around to scan the two things quickly and i turned around and he was gone. completely gone. i asked bea where he was (she keeps surprisingly good tabs on him usually) and she had no idea. 

i told bea to stay put at the desk next to our giant book pile (which she did with perfection, bless that girl) and speed walked to the back of the library to the kids area and looked for him and he wasn't there. i ran into my visiting teacher and was like "sorry girl lost ollie talk later" so she was on the lookout too. 

she saw a woman out in the parking lot walking a toddler back to the library. oliver had somehow made it out of the library and had made it pretty far into the parking lot while i was in the back looking for him.

i was horrified, mortified, and embarrassed. i didn't react how i should have. after thanking the lady profusely and squeezing ollie tight in relief, i grumbled "you are in so much trouble little man" at him instead of weeping tears of joy that he was ok.

i left the library with the guilt of having lost him, the terror of realizing what could have happened, the embarrassment of reacting the wrong way, and shock at my stupidity in not checking the parking lot first. i just felt sick.

later that day, after ollie's nap (i snuggled the crap out of him and showered him with kisses when i put him down, to overcorrect) i got a text from brad's aunt asking if we were going to join them at the pool. i forgot i'd agreed to go a day or two ago, and i just really didn't want to go. but i did it. i packed everyone up and headed to the pool. halfway there, i realized i'd forgotten bea's floatie and almost just went home, but i didn't. i stuck it out, made it to the pool, and had a good time.

after we finished up, we went to the locker room to change for a little family dinner we were headed to. a nice 50/60 something lady became enchanted with ollie (because really how can you not?) and gave bea her due attention that a lot of people forget to do when gushing over sweet, cherub-faced ollie. she was sweet and chatted with them while i was getting them dressed so they wouldn't go crazy while i was peeling wet clothes off them and trying to shove dry clothes over slightly wet bodies.

after they were all changed, she looked me in the eye and said, "you are a good mom. i know it's really hard to get out and do things, but you made their day. you took them to the pool and they had a great time. you are a good mom."

even writing this now it almost brings tears to my eyes. how could she have known how much i needed to hear those words? who knows, maybe she says that to everyone but frankly i don't care. she said it to me on a day that i felt anything but a good mom.

so thank you, sweet pool locker room lady. you gave me that last little push i needed to finish my day without drowning in mom-guilt despair. you helped me wake up the next morning feeling capable and confident instead of broken and inadequate. your kind words meant more to me than you'll ever know.