sentiment

i am not much of a crier. i cry when i'm really sad or really angry or when i'm uncontrollably hormonal, but i'm not the type to tear up at every tug at my emotions. i'm an emotional person but just not a crier. (i feel like it's hard for people to take me seriously at fast and testimony meetings ha. the tears just don't come!) i am also not romantic (see: sappy). i get uncomfortable when i read/hear poetry and i don't typically listen to song lyrics. what i'm trying to say here is, i hardly EVER connect with a song based on it's lyrics, and i hardly EVER post song lyrics. so i felt like posting this one because every time i hear this song now, i almost completely lose it. i usually sing along to every single song i hear when listening to music but whenever this one comes on, forget it, because no intelligible words are coming out of this girl's mouth when she hears this song. what song? read on.

there was a time in our marriage where bradley and i were pretty sure that we might not be able to have kids. it was a really challenging thing for me not only because it felt like ALL my friends were getting pregnant at the time, but also because i know how much bradley loves children and i felt like a failure as a human woman for not being able to do this most basic thing that we were basically created to do. i could go on, but i'll spare you. for anyone who has been there, you know how complicated of an emotion it is. anyway, the week that i found out i was pregnant, i heard the song "a thousand years" by christina perri on my pandora in the car (unaware of its association with twilight at the time. let's put that in a deep, dark corner somewhere.) but i heard it and man oh man i just lost it. i know it's supposed to be a romantic love song, but i heard it in a totally different way. here's the words: (or you can play it on the video while you read if you please)

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave?
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone?
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

i even tear up now just thinking the words, "i have died every day waiting for you". i really did. i died every day not knowing whether or not i would ever have children of my own, ever hold a baby who had bradley's eyes, or even just waddle around with a big belly and feel something move in there. every time i hear that song, i am so so so so so so grateful for this wonderful miracle that bradley and i are experiencing and i get so excited to meet her that i feel like i'm going to explode. i really have loved her for a thousand years and i'm going to love her for a thousand more, at the very very least. i am so grateful for eternal families and that i have a heavenly father who trusts me enough to help one of his little ones through life. i can't wait to get started! hurry up little nugget! 7 weeks is too long to wait!