you guys. that is so much easier said than done.
we live in utah. and it's very real to me now. i'm nearly out of the woods and fog of my crippling PPD and i'm coming a little more alive, and aware of my surroundings. and i'm realizing this trip to utah isn't a trip. it's permanent. and i'm never going back to the thick forest or back to the beach or new york, or my hip apartment in my cute little nautical connecticut town; not for good anyway. i'm in utah now, there's no beach for hundreds of miles, and i'll likely not be surrounded by thick, moss covered forests for a very long time. i didn't realize "biome awareness" would be such a shock for me but it's hitting me hard.
don't get me wrong, i absolutely do not hate utah. it's great, and it has its charms. the sunsets are unreal. the moonrises over the mountains are breathtaking. the summer breezes of dry desert air give me all the feels. going to my mom's house and being tucked away in the mountains is such a luxury. plus! we have the greatest snow on earth here!
we are in a good place; brad's happier at work than he's ever been, i'm happier with our work/life balance than i've ever been. we have free healthcare. i'm very happy with the convenient lifestyle we enjoy here. i love being close to my family more than i can say. life really is so, so good to us. i shouldn't complain. but i was watching house hunters today during the kids' naps and seeing both the beach and homes in the deep, dark woods literally brought tears to my eyes. i miss it. and i miss my new york city security blanket. i ache for it whenever i'm away. the fact that that season of our lives is over sometimes gives me a knot in my stomach.
i'm such a hypocrite you guys. i promised myself i'd start acclimating sooner. i promised i would open myself to new experiences, dive in to social life, appreciate my surroundings sooner. i promised i wouldn't dwell on the past. but i'm not doing a great job. the ppd made me extremely antisocial, and i haven't been taking advantage of the mountains like i should. maybe winter is just getting to me. i always have a super shut-down during winter. but since i was so antisocial for so long, i'm enduring the winter mostly alone, with a hint of social anxiety.
it's a new year, and even though this is a little late, i'm going to resolve to find a way to love utah's mountains like i love the east coast. and hopefully learn how to be social again.
it's gonna be tough, but i'll pull up my boot straps, grab a diet coke and a cookie as soon as the confounded whole 30 business is over with, and try to dive in. i can do hard things! i'm gonna do it!
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| would you check out those low hanging clouds?! so cool |
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| best snow on earth here, yall |
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| picture does not do it justice. really. |
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| dat sunset doe |
I feel you. Personally I think Utah is a hard place to love, especially as someone who hates winter and doesn't enjoy "winter sports." When I made the decision to move to Utah all those years ago, I packed up my apartment in Long Beach and drove home by myself. A good portion of that drive flanks the ocean on one side and a military base on the other (so, empty rolling hills), and it was sunset, and it was so beautiful and I cried the whole way home. There are places that really become a part of us, and they are so hard to leave. I get tears in my eyes sometimes thinking about all the beauty and convenience and everything else I left behind. When I got to Utah, I hated the mountains, thought they were creepy. But after a while I decided I needed to see them as beautiful instead of frightening, so I tried to get to know them a bit (going into them for photography expeditions, hiking, etc), and that has helped. I still hate Utah, but having family here, and yes, those gorgeous sunsets, all help. I don't want to stay here. It's gotten harder as all my friends have moved away to other places and other things. I don't know how long we'll be here, but since I know there are other places to live out there, I'm determined. Basically the point of this discourse is to say that I totally get where you're coming from, and honestly, I think it's okay to feel that way. The melancholy will hit hard at times, but then others you will realize that there are good things about this place too (which you already have!). Utah doesn't have to be forever. You can hold out hope. That's okay. In the meantime, we can be antisocial together :)
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