let's get real.

i need to write some things down, for me. if you happen to be reading, maybe you can relate.
sometimes in life you think something is the best thing and all of a sudden heavenly father says "nope. not for you. not right now. try again later." and you're like "BUT WHY!" and then you feel all slumpy and bummed out for a while.
that's how i feel right now.
so as everyone probably knows, we live in utah right now in a great little rental home, but we are in the market for a home to buy soon since our lease is only a year. i've been looking with a friend/real estate agent at homes for several weeks just because i thought we might find "the one" sooner than anticipated. it was probably not super smart to start this early because (it's probably no secret now) but i've been struggling quite a bit with ppd and the last thing i need right now is to move and shake up our routine and stability. bradley and my mom kept telling me that but i didn't think they knew what they were talking about. i thought if i found the one, i could make myself ready! they would see, i could handle it! so we looked. we toyed with an offer or two here or there but neither of them felt right. UNTIL THIS ONE!
this weekend we found the cutest, remodeled, adorable home in an amazing neighborhood that was completely redone, and the same layout as the home we're in now that we really like. it had a great deck, great yard, and a beautiful little kitchen. it had new paint, new carpet, new floors, and new windows. and it was right in our price range! it really felt like the one. we made an offer on it that was seconds from being accepted, after a small bidding war, and then, when i thought i would feel complete and absolute joy, i just felt sick inside. i knew it was wrong. without a doubt. it just felt all wrong. but i loved the house so much i convinced myself i was just being jittery and, of course it was the right decision, and why was i being such a chicken?! but i couldn't shake it. the feeling was too strong. i knew we had to withdraw our offer. bradley felt the same way. so we let our agent know (who was probably sick of us not committing at the point). it felt wrong. we had to take a break and stop looking for a while. bradley and my mom were right. my struggling, post-partum brain just couldn't handle a move right now and we had to settle it down before we could pick up and move again so soon after the baby.
it's frustrating when you want something but it feels wrong, and you deep down know it's wrong. and it really sucks to realize your limitations, that you're a human with real human problems, and to be patient for when things will be better. sometimes it just feels like the end of the world. while i was sniffling myself to sleep over giving up that house, being weepy in general from the ppd, sad about not really being back to myself after the baby, and realizing i'm not invincible and i'm going to have to deal with not being back to myself for a while, and a myriad of other feels, i was scrolling through instagram and saw someone had posted this quote from thomas s monson:

"Mortality is a period of testing, a time to prove ourselves worthy to return to the presence of our Heavenly Father. In order to be tested, we must sometimes face challenges and difficulties. At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. We join in uttering the biblical plea “Is there no balm in Gilead?” ⁶ We are inclined to view our own personal misfortunes through the distorted prism of pessimism. We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face."

oh how i needed this quote! to be honest, this is kind of more than just about losing the perfect house. i know there will always be another house. i'm gonna get real with you here, and maybe you've already figured it out, but this period after oliver's birth has really been a struggle for me. i don't know if it was ever public knowledge beyond just a few close friends but i had pretty severe ppd after bea was born too, only with her it didn't hit until she was about 4 months old and lasted for 7 long months.  because of that though, i knew i was at pretty high risk for having it again, but i basically thought i would have the same time frame with oliver as i did with her, and that i'd have a few good months and deal with all that dark stuff later. but, silly me, i forgot that every pregnancy/post-partum period is different and your hormones never do the same thing twice and that life is completely unpredictable. it hit me the day i got home from the hospital with oliver. i'm sure it had something to do with like. moving in the day he was born. (STUPID MOVING COMPANY!) but regardless, i didn't even get to breathe before i was smacked hard in the face with really. bad. ppd. people throw around terms like "baby blues" and stuff but that sounds like a joke. this is real. it's awful. it's debilitating. it's hard for me to remember the cheery, gregarious person i used to be. some days are better than others but i still don't feel like myself most of the time yet. some days i just go through the motions and try to fake it til i make it. some days i feel like i'll never be back to myself again. i'll spare you the gritty details (and believe me. they're gritty) i just want to throw it out there that it's a struggle and it's real, for whatever reason. maybe someone else is struggling too and needs to hear that they're not alone. maybe it's just for my own catharsis. but last night as i was sobbing and drowning in all the feels, that quote hit me so hard it moved me to (more) tears. i don't know how long it will take me to get out of this awful, awful funk. i'm working with the proper professionals and even after 3 months, it's still not that much better. i read one of my favorite conference talks by elder holland after that, to help me get to sleep, and really loved this quote:

"Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead....
Don’t assume you can fix everything, but fix what you can. If those are only small victories, be grateful for them and be patient. Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. ⁶ Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education."
i'm trying every day to find those small victories and to be patient for the day when i can do more. sometimes that small victory is getting out of bed. or brushing my teeth. or going for a walk. or just getting dressed. some days it's hard to keep the hope alive but when i read over these words i'm reminded that even though it may not be over for a while, i have faith that one day, it will be better, i know i have a loving heavenly father and savior who will guide me through it, and sometimes that's the only thing that gets me through the day. that and these BEAUTIFUL babies, amiright???

loves it when you call him handsome

spaghetti, right people?

they are my saving grace in what seems like a world of darkness. i thank my heavenly father for them every minute of every day.