le birth story

[disclaimer 1: this post is very long. it took me like 4 days to complete. i felt a need to record every bit (for me mostly).]

ok. so. when i was pregnant i LOVED reading everyone else's birth stories. it got me really excited for labor and delivery, even though i spent the first 3 months of pregnancy completely dreading it. hearing positive experiences got me totally in the zone and ready for what would probably be the hardest but most rewarding day of my life (which is half true. it was definitely the most rewarding :) ). i've divided my experience into three parts, because that's how i've been compartmentalizing this whole thing in my brain. it's a lot to take in, and the only way for me to wrap my head around this wonderful miracle is to sort it out in my brain. parts one and three are great, part two is pretty traumatizing. so, for anyone reading this, this is mostly for those of you who are already mothers or who are preparing to be mothers, or people who just like reading birth stories. if none of those things apply to you, part 2 could be way TMI, unless you are very comfortable with gynecology ;)

(disclaimer 2: don't worry, it won't make any of you fear labor. the labor part is one of the best parts!)

part one: labor and delivery

jan 28th, the night before my due date, i was really. tired. of. being. pregnant. i was sure i would be pregnant forever. my friend amie who was pregnant with triplets and due 4 weeks after me had just had her darling girls the week before, and i was still pregnant and about to lose it. basically the only thing keeping me going the last week of my pregnancy was that i hadn't gotten any stretch marks yet. i was super proud of my milky smooth skin on my belly and spent 15-20 minutes a day rubbing homemade body butter on it admiring my perfect pregnant belly. then, that night, i looked in the mirror, and lo and behold, right around and just below my belly button, there they were, tiny little squiggles of doom. i FREAKED OUT. i broke down and started crying to bradley like a lunatic saying i was ruined, i just had to get induced or i would die and blahblahblah. total almost-overdue-pregnant lady drama.

well during one of my million pee-breaks that night i stood up and felt a little trickle, and thought maybe it was just a little more of my plug (which i had lost the day before) coming out. but it was a lot more watery than it had been. and it had a bit of bright red blood in it. i didn't call the doctor though because i didn't want to get my hopes up that my water had broken and i had an appointment the next morning at 11 am anyway. i was crampy for the rest of the night and had some regular mild contractions for a couple hours that morning, but nothing painful or worthy of heading to the hospital. i tried to keep busy until my appointment but i was crazy excited!

well, at my appointment, i had my first cervical check (ouch!) and was only a fingertip dilated. blah. but she checked the fluid i was leaking, and it was amniotic fluid! my water was leaking! she gave me an ultrasound, (whereupon i made her erase my worries of it being a boy and she confirmed that it was indeed a girl) and told me my fluid levels were great, i hadn't been leaking too long, and i could take my time and head over the the hospital after having something to eat. she would call the hospital and make sure they knew i was coming. i have some complications with my pelvic muscles that make internal exams excruciatingly painful, so she made sure the doctors who would attend to me would be aware and that i would be comfortable and not give me any internals until i'd had an epidural, and to make sure they knew i would need a relatively early epidural. she warned me that since my contractions weren't strong yet that they would get me started with cervidil and see where it got me and then get me on pitocin if i didn't progress enough. sounded ok to me as long as i got that epidural!!

i texted my mom and called bradley. he was super cute. i could tell he was trying super hard to keep his cool but i could hear him smiling big time. i got home, tidied up the apartment, put some makeup on, got my hospital bag and started getting bradley's things together when i heard him rush in the door. he was still trying to look composed but he was basically doing a happy dance. he gave me a big hug and we both kept saying "we're going to have a baby tonight!!!" we finished getting his things together and loaded up the car and went to our favorite sandwich place in town where i got my last (of many) ham sandwich of my pregnancy. (total liz lemon moment. "i wolfed my teamster sub for you!")

we got to the hospital around 2:30, the receptionist lady was tickled that we were there on my due date, and got set up in an L&D room. (which was HUGE btw like 2.5x the size of our bedroom) they took my vitals and hooked me up to the monitors and my IV. apparently i was having lots of contractions and hadn't even felt them! that was a good sign to me! baby's heartbeat was nice and quick and everything sounded great. then came the part that i dreaded more than labor itself: the cervidil insertion. a doctor came in who said she'd had experience with people with pelvic floor problems and said she would follow my lead and try to get the cervidil insert in as comfortably as possible. unfortunately, as comfortably as possible when you have pelvic floor problems is still excruciatingly painful. not gonna lie, i shed a few tears and almost broke bradley's hand, but i got through it! it was the part i was most worried about and it was over in 5 minutes. and the doctor and nurses were super nice and understanding. off to a decent start!

(maiden name cause i'm on my parent's insurance. baby is on brad's though.)

my contractions started getting stronger after the cervidil kicked in and were pretty close together (like 1 or 2 minutes apart) but they weren't so bad, so we just chilled and ordered dinner (and by that i mean bradley ordered dinner and i ordered the delicacy known as the "clear liquids tray" which consisted of a frozen lemonade, jell-o, some juice, and some chicken broth), had my parents come visit, and watched "Once Upon a Time" on hulu (i was horribly behind). they didn't get really painful until around about 5 or 6. plus, they were ALL in my back *hooray back labor!* and they were starting to get really close together (like, 20-30 seconds apart) and last a bit longer. i kept thinking "i can stop this anytime i want, maybe just a little longer." but really i just wasn't getting any breaks and i was exhausted from the CONSTANT contractions in my back. nothing helped and i wasn't getting a rest in between like everyone talks about. and you know how everyone says "oh, i can't explain labor pains, they're just a new kind of pain."? that's total BS. i'll tell you exactly what they feel like: the worst freaking diarrhea cramps you have ever had in your life times about a million. and i was really bad at breathing. guess i could have benefitted from lamaze or something. because they were coming so hard and fast i would just tense up and either hyperventilate or just hold my breath altogether. my mom and bradley were constantly going "BREATHE CAITY BREATHE!" that last hour before my epidural i swear i broke poor bradley's hand. every time i got a contraction i squeezed his knuckles. hard. so, since i didn't have any breaks, i squeezed pretty much constantly. my mom turned on jeopardy (I LOVE JEOPARDY!) to try and distract me but i just couldn't focus for even a second because the contractions were too intense and too close together. i hear that when you can't talk or listen to anything during a contraction is probably the time to ask for the juice, so at 7 something i caved and called for the epidural.

the first thing i said to my nurse after the anesthesiologist was done shooting me up was ".....dang it i missed jeopardy!" haha i don't know what that says about me, but there you have it. my parents and bradley came back in and it was funtime again! my epidural was GREAT! i could still wiggle my feet and toes and feel most of my contractions but they were just pain free. i felt great, not like everyone says the epidural is (like paralyzing and all that). it was awesome! i was catheterized, so i didn't have to worry about peeing for the first time in 9 months, plus i had a little button to push if i ever felt i needed a little extra epidural juice. i felt like i was progressing but i was enjoying myself. i am the new poster child for the epidural. they did my first cervix check and i was 100% effaced....and only dilated 2 cm. BUT! i had all night, and if i didn't progress on my own, they'd just start me on pitocin, which, again, didn't scare me...because i had an epidural! we chatted and watched a lot of HGTV and then around 10:30 pm the nurse came in and started my pitocin drip because my natural contractions weren't strong enough. at around 11 my parents decided to head home and get some sleep and advised bradley and i to do the same. we told them we'd call when i was at an 8 so they could get back in time for the delivery.

we turned out the lights and tried to doze off, when i started feeling intense, painful and close-together contractions in my back again! i kept pushing my little button but nothing was happening! i called in my nurse and told her what was happening and she thought i just didn't have strong enough epi-juice so she called the anesthesiologist to give me a boost, which sort of helped but wasn't helping all the way. then she found out that my button had been broken the whole time! so she replaced my epi-juice machine, but that one was broken too. third time was a charm and my button was fixed and the pain was gone-zo! they checked me again and i was at a 6! they told me to try to get some sleep and call them when i felt the urge to push, but that they'd check on me periodically. around 1, i fell asleep to the lovely sound of baby's quick and happy heartbeat on my monitor.

at 2:30, i started feeling baby girl moving down inside me and some early urges to push, but not like she was crowning or anything yet. we called my parents and told them they should probably head back, and called the nurse back in. she got there around 3, the resident checked me, and i was at a 10 and baby was at +3 station! pushing time! my parents came in just around then just in time to meet grand-baby numero uno. they took out my pitocin drip and got me all prepped to push! i had dad sit in a comfy armchair by my head so he didn't have to see anything traumatizing (haha) and mom stood in front me to cheerlead (she's had all c-sections so she'd never seen a birth before!), a nurse took one leg and bradley took the other and we got to pushin'! since my epidural was so great, i could feel every contraction and initiated most of my pushes. the doctor, resident, and nurse kept saying how i was such a great pusher, especially for a first timer, and that if i kept up, the baby would be there in no time. my mom was so excited, she and bradley both freaked out when she crowned and kept saying "AHHH CAITY SHE HAS SO MUCH HAIR!!!!" (at first my mom didn't even know it was her head because it was all black and she couldn't see any scalp haha) all the while, i'm smiling and laughing with them, and doing awesome pushes, and 40 minutes later, at 4:11 am on January 30th, 4 hours after her due date, they placed a wide-eyed and alert (and goopy) Beatrice on my chest and had bradley cut the cord!

 

                

               

i didn't even break a sweat! it was great! and i only had a teensy second degree tear. when they took her to clean her up, and i delivered my placenta i started to feel really nauseated so they handed me a bucket. i started laughing and telling them how i hated throwing up. like a lot. i forced myself not to throw up my whole pregnancy (and it worked too! except for 3 times..) i actually hate throwing up more than i hated childbirth. they laughed at me and i took some deep breaths (the first in many many months) and a sip of water and willed it away. i kept joking that barfing would have just ruined everything. (of course it really wouldn't have.) all was well, we pried grandma and grandpa away and sent them home for some sleep, and my awesome nurse, Madeline, unhooked my epidural, transferred me to a gurney, placed B in a bassinet for bradley to wheel with us up to the maternity ward for some sleep. i went to our room, and bradley took B to the nursery for a few hours for her clean-up session. what a wonderful, wonderful way to bring a baby into the world (: if only things had stayed that wonderful.. haha enter part 2....

part 2: recovery

my mom came back around 7:30 am to keep bradley and i company (and to oo and ahh at our new creation), and they brought B back from the nursery around the same time, and a nurse came in to check my vitals and get me to void my bladder. the epidural had worn off and i was definitely feeling soreness. i tried to move and sit up and realized that i couldn't. every time i tried to get off my side i felt EXCRUCIATING pain. she checked my downstairs and her eyes got giant and said she'd get me some percocet immediately. apparently my business was freakishly swollen. like grapefruit sized. and not the stitches part either. in front of that. the nurse helped me stand up VERY slowly (so painful i can't even describe) and walked me to the bathroom and tried to get me to pee. nothing happened. and my bladder was super full from my IV and from drinking tons while in labor. i was SO uncomfortable but no matter what i did, i couldn't pee. she said she'd get a doctor to come look at me and figure out what kind of swelling it was.

meanwhile, poor B was in her bassinet and started fussing, and they wanted me to try and nurse her, which i so desperately wanted to do, but i couldn't do ANYTHING but lie on my side. luckily, you can nurse lying on your side, so i nursed her and laid next to her, but that was all i could do. i wasn't able to stand or sit up so i really couldn't hold her. i was so frustrated, in so much pain, and could barely move for fear of my distended bladder exploding.

a doctor came in and confirmed that, from what he could actually see, it was just fluid swelling and not  bad bruising, that it usually happens from pushing for a long time, but other times it's just a freak thing that happens and that's where all your fluids end up after being pumped with an IV for so long. they really couldn't give me anything for the swelling, we could only do pain management. he said it would go down in about a week. i almost broke down. not being able to sit up or stand up and hold my baby for the whole first week of her life?! what a gyp! i had such a perfect labor! i pushed efficiently and  purposefully so that this WOULD NOT happen! well the day went by and all i could do to make myself somewhat comfortable was bend myself in half and get like 6 drops of super painful pee out at a time when they decided to scan my bladder. it was extremely distended and i needed to be catheterized soon or i'd get a kidney infection or something worse like an exploded bladder, or whatever that call that in the medical world. i was terrified because just getting LOOKED at caused crazy pain down there, i couldn't imagine the pain of getting a catheter in! PLUS i already have my pelvic floor issues, so it would have hurt even without the freakish swelling. i started to freak out a little but then they said they would get me a morphine drip to ease it up a little. (and this was just HOURS after they had taken out my IV. i had to get another one. ugh i hate needles) turns out my body needs a LOT more morphine that most people because with the morphine they gave me, i still felt everything and i was super alert. it was pretty horrible. the only good thing was that when they started to put it in and i was freaking out because it hurt so bad, my mom had one hand and bradley held the other and he started singing "soft kitty" and said "having a distended bladder and getting catheterized is a KIND of sick...!" (for all you big bang theory people out there lol) it was pretty funny. he is the best. so they got it in and lo and behold the water started gushing. they pumped 2 liters out of me in the first 5 minutes alone! i think they got 3 liters in the first hour. i was dangerously full and it is a good thing the cathed me when they did. i felt a lot better in that regard but was basically still chained to my bed and not able to sit up. *hooray*

the next morning (friday) they decided to take the catheter out and tried to get me to void again. it didn't happen. i was freaking out. i did NOT want to be cathed again. it was the worst part so far of the whole L&D thing and i was already super traumatized from it and i just couldn't do it again. but no pee was anywhere to be found. and my bladder was filling up again dangerously fast (thanks a lot stupid IV ) they decided to straight-cath me, empty me out, and let me start all over again. i about lost it. BUT this time they gave me dilaudid, which is basically morphine's evil twin. they didn't have to give me a drip for it, they just shot me up and within minutes i was talking nonsense and drifting in and out of consciousness. mom and brad said it was pretty funny. they cathed me up, it was still unpleasant but not NEAR as bad as the other time with just the morphine. and then i passed out. for 6 hours. when i woke up, it was 6:30 pm, and i was still catheterized, which left me a little confused. they said i had to go home with it so i didn't' risk filling up again. they would take it out on monday when the swelling was almost all the way down, and they hooked me up to a pee bag and said it was time to go home. (they obviously did more explaining to my mom and brad bc i was still pretty doped). they had packed everything up while i was passed out. plus, they gave me a flu vaccine in one arm and a whooping cough vaccine in my other arm before we left, and they had gotten really swollen and sore, so i couldn't even roll over or prop myself up on my own because my arms were useless too! it was like they made me as useless as possible, handed me a baby, and sent me home. i was also worried about how i would get in a car since i couldn't sit up, but they assured me the dilaudid would make it possible to sit for 15 minutes in a car. they were right.

B in her coming home outfit

living in the same town as your mother definitely has it's perks, but it is also a different (not worse! but different) experience than having your mother come stay for 10 days when your baby is born. mom sleeps at her own house when she lives in town. so that first night we got home, she and dad got bradley, B, and i all settled, made sure we didn't need anything, and went home for the night. and you know what? our perfect baby slept in 4 hour stretches, we only woke up once that night, and my angel husband bradley picked her up, changed her, laid her down next to me (i was back on my side since the drugs wore off and i was stuck near the edge of the bed so my pee bag could reach the ground), i nursed her, he took her back, burped her, changed her again, and rocked her back to sleep. he also woke up every 2 hours to give me my pain meds and empty my pee bag. try and tell me that man is not perfect. those nights, he was both my nurse and B's nurse. this process went on for the whole weekend and monday. my mom came over during the day while brad was at work, she helped me dress my wounds, helped me shower, made sure i was drinking constantly, emptied my pee bag, handed me the baby when i needed to nurse, and laid her down next to me so i could bond with her. not being able to sit up and hold her was so horrible! i felt like a terrible deadbeat mom and i felt like i couldn't bond with her. whenever she fussed, someone else had to soothe her, stand up and bounce her, burp her, or whatever she needed and it was SO hard for me! i felt like all i could do was feed her. like a milk cow. and i wasn't even making enough milk from all the stress, so i couldn't even do THAT right! we had to supplement her with formula, which also wasn't part of my plan.

FINALLY. FINALLY, monday rolled around. my swelling had gone down a lot, and i could walk around a little more, and i could sit up for a few minutes at a time! i changed my first diaper! (with my pee bag in one hand haha) mom, B, and i headed to the doctor to get that dumb catheter taken out. he said i was looking much better, placed 300 mL of fluid in my bladder, took out the tube, and said i should be able to void now, and as soon as i could do that, i could go home. otherwise, it was a 4th catheter for me and back to the hospital, which neither of us wanted. (he was feeling really bad for me at that point). i sat in that bathroom for 25 minutes. nothing. i was getting REALLY stressed, which was making everything worse, and so i got permission from the doctor to go home and try (i live 3 minutes away from the office). i took some valium they prescribed me in case something like this happened, walked around, sat in a warm bath, and tried to go several more times. still nothing. i had a 3 hour window to be able to go or else i'd have to go the hospital. i don't know if i've ever prayed for anything so hard in my whole life (and praying for PEE, of all things! life is so surprising sometimes.....) i felt really strongly then that i just needed to hold beatrice. i took her from my mom, laid down on the bed, nursed her, and dozed off with her next to me for a bit (the pain meds made me pretty drowsy during the day). my mom came in and woke me up, saying the doctor called and wanted us to head back. i just started to cry, and said "mom, can i just try one more time?" so she let me go ahead and try, and I PEED! 600 mL! that's exactly how much i needed to pee (300 he put in plus 2 small glasses of water)! nursing released relaxing hormones that turned out to be a great help for getting me to finally pee! all i could do was just keep thanking heavenly father in my head over and over for the inspiration to just relax and love on my baby for a minute. we took a picture of the pee container for the doctors, went back to the office, showed them the proof, and i was FREE!

part 3: realization

with such a rough recovery, i had so many worries. worry that i wouldn't recover fast enough, worry that i was working my poor bradley too hard, worry that i was a huge burden, worry that i wasn't giving bradley enough personal love and attention (we had separate beds in the hospital and the whole time i had my catheter, i had to sleep on the edge of the bed facing away from him. that was so surprisingly hard), worry that beatrice would never love me because i hadn't held her enough the first few days of her life. but one night, the night before i got my catheter out, i had my mom spend the night at our place. i was so worried i was keeping bradley up too much at night by making him be 2 nurses at once and i knew he needed a break before going back to work. she came at 8 pm, and brought my dad, they sent us to bed at 9 and held B out with them in the living room while they watched downton abbey. i told them to bring her to me when she needed to nurse, and they were all too happy to take her and shower her with granny and grampy love. as i was falling asleep that night, i was the least stressed i had been since i woke up the morning after B was born. i stopped worrying for just a little bit and it finally hit me that i had a PERFECT, beautiful baby girl, who was mine and bradley's to share, not just for now, but for forever! i get to keep that precious soul and be her mommy for all eternity! i could breathe deep (literally and figuratively) and realized that the next day, i could finally start taking care of her and stop relying on everyone to take care of me and we could finally start really getting to know each other. it has been WONDERFUL and it just gets better and better every single day. she nurses well, and sleeps AMAZINGLY. she would just sleep through the night if we let her; we have to wake her up in the night to feed her, because she hardly ever cries! (don't worry we've had a pediatrician appointment, she's fine. just really good at sleeping.) everything she does seems like such a miracle and i don't know how or what i have done in life to deserve such a precious baby.

basically the cutest thing i have ever seen

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it's now friday, i've been home from the hospital for a week, and i am almost completely recovered! i can walk, sit, and lay on my back! and pee! glory hallelujah i can pee! now that my dignity is back and i am no longer attached to a "pee purse" (as my mom called it), i can finally see other people and brag about my perfect offspring (:
/end epic/