elvis

{warning: this is way too much information and totally gross. but it was one of the funniest conversations i've ever had with bradley and i'm convinced we need to make a TV show of our life. we are hilarious. this is recorded mostly for myself but if you are brave and know me pretty well you will probably enjoy this.}

if you've ever given birth, then you know that the first poop you take after the event is more terrifying than labor itself. it took me 4 days to finally get things going and i was taking fiber supplements like CRAZY and eating raisin bran twice a day and all that business. after that first BM i was a regular lady and had things going fine for every day after that with no worries! yay for fiber, right?! ok. so. apparently i was eating way too much fiber. i had over-corrected and by day 11 things went awry. saturday night, bradley and i are watching ferris bueller taking turns holding the baby while she was dozing. i start feeling crampy but just assume that it's my uterus shrinking or something like that. (they tell you that happens, so it sounded reasonable!) all of a sudden, the cramps takeover and i have to get to the bathroom IMMEDIATELY. so i'm all "BRADLEY TAKE THE BABY!" and run to the bathroom. all that fiber made a very uncomfortable reappearance with cramps that were almost as bad as my labor pains! it settles and i go back to the movie. my parents come by to bring us some groceries and settle in the watch the movie with us. mom's holding the baby, the cramps come back and i'm like "MOVE!" and run back to the bathroom again. so then the movie ends and they leave and bradley and i get ready for bed and bradley's got the baby and i'm on the computer and the cramps come back REALLY BAD so i'm like "AHHHHHHH" and run BACK to the bathroom.
here is the conversation that follows

(i am in the bathroom, bradley is in the living room)

me: AHHHH BRADLEY I AM GOING TO DIE ON THE TOILET! LIKE ELVIS!!
brad: oh. can i have all your stuff?
me: NO! GIVE IT ALL AWAY!! UGGGHHHHH TAKE CARE OF BEATRICE FOR ME! DON'T TELL HER HOW IT ALL ENDED! I WANT TO KEEP MY DIGNITY!
brad: how should i tell her you died?
me: FIGHTING OFF A PACK OF WOLVES!!!
brad: how many were there?
me: SEVEN!
brad: did you kill any before you finally died?
me: YES! 3! BUT THEN I WAS OVERCOME! I FOUGHT NOBLY AND BRAVELY!
brad: ok i'll tell her.

needless to say i didn't die on the toilet like elvis. but i learned that i needed to take it easy with the fiber. lesson: learned.